Thursday, April 17, 2008

Morning Correspondence

Dear Barack,

Congrats. You got the Boss' endorsement, most of the NC superdelegates and are closing the gap in Pennsylvania. Hils is running scared, which is why this whole wallowing in the mud thing is so important to her right now.

Last night, when she was talking about Republican hard ball, you were right on when you said that she learned the wrong lesson from her experience. It's like a kid who was bullied turning into a bully. It makes me sad that Hillary has decided to do that. I can't tell you how many times I yelled at my TV screen last night with an "Oh, no she didn't". She should so know better. (Good one about the baking cookies thing, btw). But, as you rightly pointed out more than once, this is the politics to which we've become accustom and the politics that you want to change. Which is why, even though it must have been annoying as frak (you were clearly chomping at the bit to get to something, anything of substance) you kept your cool. I find that really, oh, what's the word? Presidential.

David Gergen was surprised that she kept it up given the new polling. So was I. But I think you're right to play it cool. Hang in there.

Also, I'm still waiting for my t-shirt. Could you talk to someone in shipping about that? Thanks. You're a doll.

Dear Hillary,

Hey, girlfriend. Listen, I really appreciate that you and your friends (hi Jim!) keep writing me, asking for campaign contributions. Problem is, I don't have any spare change because I spent it all on lattes.

Make a note of this: I live in one of those "boutique" states your campaign keeps saying are the only states Obama can win. You know, states like Montana, Idaho, South Carolina. Did you realize that Howard Shultz got the idea for Starbucks after vacationing in Texas? True story. He hung out in all their Viennese style coffee shops and thought, "Wow, this could be huge".

Anybeans, while I was personally unaware that there are nearly 30 boutique states in this great land of ours (and I appreciate that insight) I do hope you have a strategy for winning without them should you be the candidate. Because, if it were me, I'd kinda want to know that the heartland had my back.

Dear Hillary and John,

Have you two thought about trying out for Saturday Night Live when this is over? Because you are a couple of comedic geniuses. Seriously, there is just nothing I love better than watching 2 of the richest sitting Senators talking about how Barack Obama is elitist. For sure, what could a kid who grew up in poverty and became a success through nothing but sheer gumption and hard work possibly know about the struggles of the poor and middle class? Punk. No, I'm totally going to look to you multi-millionaires with your multiple homes and special interest campaign contributions to school me about who's a snob in this race and who isn't.

Dear Charlie and George,

You suck. Thanks for wasting the first hour of a 90 minute debate pandering to the worst in American politics. Of course, I'm just a latte swilling elistist, but I don't happen to give a frak about flag pins, exaggerated sniper fire or any of the rest of it. I keep worrying about things like the economy, Iraq, Iran, health know...I.S.S.U.E.S. Heard of those? Yeah, thanks for wasting my time and giving Hillary 60 minutes to be all pot-calling-the-kettle. Idiots.

Dear Bruce,

I love you. I've always loved you. I always will love you.

Dear Howard,

As we've discussed before, I don't think the Democratic party is in trouble or that unification is an issue; of course core Dems will support whoever is the nominee. You know that I think this long campaign is an excellent opportunity for party building in all 50 states and casting a much wider net for involvement than we would have had if this thing had been sewn up on Super Tuesday. Seriously, who would be registering voters in PA and Oregon right now if that had happened? It's all good.

But I have realized that there is a challenge before us. I'm still ticked at Charlie and George (see attachment) but I just figured out why only 30 minutes of the debate was given over to issues: there aren't any major differences between the candidates. We can get picky about the different percentages at which either would limit capital gains or their ceilings on middle class income (news to me, btw, that someone making $250k is considered middle class but there you go). They both want, essentially, the same things. Which I guess is why we are going to keep being subjected to old crap about pastors and cookies and Bosnia and the fact that you don't need a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows. But let's see what we can do about making real issues at the forefront of the general election, okay? Because if either Hillary or Barack delivered on even a 10th of what they want to do, either one would be better for this country than George W. McCain.

Dear Values Voters,

Let me just be really clear about this. You are bitter about government and you do cling to hot button issues like guns and prayer in school and gay marriage, even when it works against your own self interest. For some 30 years now the GOP has seen to it that you are distracted by that sort of stuff because they knew full well that if you stopped for one minute to think about the fact that all your factories are shutting down, all your jobs are going overseas and all your kids are the ones making the big sacrifices in Iraq and Afghanistan you would never elect another Republican again.

You've been played, people. Wake up. Would you like a latte?



Blogger sageweb opined...

I need a stiff drink with a latte chaser. I can't watch this stuff on tv anymore. I was talking to someone in Colorado last night and she had the live version of the debate on..(us west coaster got the delayed version) at first I was interested and then hearing it in the background made me cringe. I could not watch it.

April 17, 2008 11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Ba Ha Ha Ha (Note no W)

Yes. Marketing 101. Just spell the name right please, thank you.

Bruce? Is he still around?
Hasn't been very succesful with the issues thus far if he is.

Would be nice to see some more overtures to Ralphie and the granola eating tree huggers.

Who would he endorse?

Not McCain!



April 17, 2008 11:12 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

(whoossssssshhhhhhh gurgle spassssshhhh) One latte for you, Sage. Here's the flask.

Anonyba, Bruce Springsteen never left.

(convulses in laughter at thought of Ralph Nadar hugging a granola tree)

April 17, 2008 11:14 AM  
Blogger rosemary opined...

Where was I when you wrote all of these updates? Ok, I admit it....watching Dancing with the Stars over and over again. The daughter is adorable.

I live in a boutique state? Really? Crap, I'm gonna take that big frickin rebate check I am not going to get because my spouse works and I get SS (so I'll sign his name to the back and cash it)...and I'm going to the nearest Idaho boutique and buy me all kinds of cool spitoons and boots and frilly cowboy shirts....and a STARBUCKS with 9K calories.

April 17, 2008 12:29 PM  
Blogger rosemary opined...

Clarification....I don't get a rebate check, we don't get a rebate check, Steve gets a rebate check....that's fair ole GW Shrub for you.

April 17, 2008 12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

(proudly scoots just a little closer)
I'm with her. Yeah, she's my friend.

April 17, 2008 12:58 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Rosie, that's what I'm talkin' about. Go on with your high falutin', Chablis ddrinkin' elitist self. Have a caramel machiatto frappawhosit on me while your at it.

The Shrub. Pft.

(hands Hat some elitist cream pie)

April 17, 2008 1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Ba Ha Ha Ha (Note no W)

Yes, humor gotta have it. Shows confidence.

Really? A granola tree? Can I have one please?



April 17, 2008 5:18 PM  
Blogger Iwanski opined...

Dear Lorraine,

This rockes.

I added the "e" for boutique value, like in 'shoppe', since apparently boutique-ass Illinois is all the coffeehouse rage.

April 17, 2008 6:03 PM  
Anonymous Syd opined...

Dear Lorraine:




April 17, 2008 8:31 PM  
Blogger Mom opined...

Well said!
So is Maryland a boutique state? We do have some boutiques, but i don't shop in them very often. Do they sell Obama buttons in boutiques?

April 17, 2008 9:27 PM  
Blogger Maine Gay opined...

You tell 'em, sister! Beautiful.

And could I get my latte with caramel? I, too, live in a boutique state, so that's how I roll.

April 18, 2008 8:29 AM  
Blogger Monica opined...

seriously... just word. word word word.
i should like very much to shake that hillary clinton but i bet if i met her i would just look at her and say to her in that condescending social studies teacher voice that she uses on obama "shame on you hillary."

April 18, 2008 6:05 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Wouldn't a granola tree be fun, Anonyba...much more convenient than all that hunting and gathering.

If I find one, I'll let you know.

Iwanski, that extra 'e' was an extremely nice touch. I loved it when I discovered that you can get both ribs AND lattes at Ditka's...that is some hard-core elitist fusion right there. Go Cubs.

(blushes) Oh, stop applauding, can't drink your latte properly with all that hullabaloo.

I believe they do, Mom, but of course and obviously, only in boutiques that cater to Obama elitists. The Clinton and McCain elitists have their own shoppes.

One caramel latte for the snob in Maine coming right up...would you like to try one of our Snooty Puffs? Fresh from the oven...

Oh, I know, Monica...she's starting to make me nervous because a) she way over uses "you know" and 2) that school marm thing just makes me feel like "mother knows best"...and I'm filled to the teeth with my president thinking he/she knows what is best for me.

April 19, 2008 8:22 AM  
Blogger more cowbell opined...

*clap clap clap* on that last paragraph!

Dare I cut and paste it to my parents ... nah.

April 26, 2008 10:33 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Cowbell, seriously. Every time I hear anyone talk about that stupid "bitter" thing I want someone to read that paragraph outloud to them.

April 27, 2008 8:40 AM  

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