Morning Correspondence

Dear Barack,

Congrats. You got the Boss' endorsement, most of the NC superdelegates and are closing the gap in Pennsylvania. Hils is running scared, which is why this whole wallowing in the mud thing is so important to her right now.

Last night, when she was talking about Republican hard ball, you were right on when you said that she learned the wrong lesson from her experience. It's like a kid who was bullied turning into a bully. It makes me sad that Hillary has decided to do that. I can't tell you how many times I yelled at my TV screen last night with an "Oh, no she didn't". She should so know better. (Good one about the baking cookies thing, btw). But, as you rightly pointed out more than once, this is the politics to which we've become accustom and the politics that you want to change. Which is why, even though it must have been annoying as frak (you were clearly chomping at the bit to get to something, anything of substance) you kept your cool. I find that really, oh, what's the word? Presidential.

David Gergen was surprised that she kept it up given the new polling. So was I. But I think you're right to play it cool. Hang in there.

Also, I'm still waiting for my t-shirt. Could you talk to someone in shipping about that? Thanks. You're a doll.

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Dear Hillary,

Hey, girlfriend. Listen, I really appreciate that you and your friends (hi Jim!) keep writing me, asking for campaign contributions. Problem is, I don't have any spare change because I spent it all on lattes.

Make a note of this: I live in one of those "boutique" states your campaign keeps saying are the only states Obama can win. You know, states like Montana, Idaho, South Carolina. Did you realize that Howard Shultz got the idea for Starbucks after vacationing in Texas? True story. He hung out in all their Viennese style coffee shops and thought, "Wow, this could be huge".

Anybeans, while I was personally unaware that there are nearly 30 boutique states in this great land of ours (and I appreciate that insight) I do hope you have a strategy for winning without them should you be the candidate. Because, if it were me, I'd kinda want to know that the heartland had my back.

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Dear Hillary and John,

Have you two thought about trying out for Saturday Night Live when this is over? Because you are a couple of comedic geniuses. Seriously, there is just nothing I love better than watching 2 of the richest sitting Senators talking about how Barack Obama is elitist. For sure, what could a kid who grew up in poverty and became a success through nothing but sheer gumption and hard work possibly know about the struggles of the poor and middle class? Punk. No, I'm totally going to look to you multi-millionaires with your multiple homes and special interest campaign contributions to school me about who's a snob in this race and who isn't.

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Dear Charlie and George,

You suck. Thanks for wasting the first hour of a 90 minute debate pandering to the worst in American politics. Of course, I'm just a latte swilling elistist, but I don't happen to give a frak about flag pins, exaggerated sniper fire or any of the rest of it. I keep worrying about things like the economy, Iraq, Iran, health care...you know...I.S.S.U.E.S. Heard of those? Yeah, thanks for wasting my time and giving Hillary 60 minutes to be all pot-calling-the-kettle. Idiots.

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Dear Bruce,

I love you. I've always loved you. I always will love you.

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Dear Howard,

As we've discussed before, I don't think the Democratic party is in trouble or that unification is an issue; of course core Dems will support whoever is the nominee. You know that I think this long campaign is an excellent opportunity for party building in all 50 states and casting a much wider net for involvement than we would have had if this thing had been sewn up on Super Tuesday. Seriously, who would be registering voters in PA and Oregon right now if that had happened? It's all good.

But I have realized that there is a challenge before us. I'm still ticked at Charlie and George (see attachment) but I just figured out why only 30 minutes of the debate was given over to issues: there aren't any major differences between the candidates. We can get picky about the different percentages at which either would limit capital gains or their ceilings on middle class income (news to me, btw, that someone making $250k is considered middle class but there you go). They both want, essentially, the same things. Which I guess is why we are going to keep being subjected to old crap about pastors and cookies and Bosnia and the fact that you don't need a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows. But let's see what we can do about making real issues at the forefront of the general election, okay? Because if either Hillary or Barack delivered on even a 10th of what they want to do, either one would be better for this country than George W. McCain.

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Dear Values Voters,

Let me just be really clear about this. You are bitter about government and you do cling to hot button issues like guns and prayer in school and gay marriage, even when it works against your own self interest. For some 30 years now the GOP has seen to it that you are distracted by that sort of stuff because they knew full well that if you stopped for one minute to think about the fact that all your factories are shutting down, all your jobs are going overseas and all your kids are the ones making the big sacrifices in Iraq and Afghanistan you would never elect another Republican again.

You've been played, people. Wake up. Would you like a latte?