Thursday, April 10, 2008

This Post is Boring But I Have to Get This Off My Chest

Here's something you don't know about me (unless you actually know me). I have really crappy teeth. Crappy in that they break easily and aren't very straight and also, I have a huge overbite. The overbite I don't mind. It's not like I have a horsey overbite; that would be wrong. I have what the dental types call "100% malocclusion". Which sounds horrible but it really isn't. The worst thing is that my two front teeth are actually broken and have been managed over the years with epoxy fills that look like, uh, crap. And because the epoxy is a temporary fix, every 6-9 months one of them falls out. Like the one that fell out right before Christmas. Which I haven't had fixed because I've decided enough of this crap already, I'm going to get them permanently dealt with.

I should have done that 20 years ago. It's one of those things where you figure it's going to cost so damn much that it's not worth doing right now. I'm over that. Not to mention, we're not talking about a cosmetic issue here. I mean, it is cosmetic in the sense that looking like Mammy Yokum and being forced to laugh with my hand over my face so I don't startle the children is getting old. But since the teeth are, in fact, not whole, it's a dental problem.

Also, for 20 years I haven't bit into an apple or eaten corn on the cob. I have to slice my apples and cut the corn. In other words, I can't even use the teeth the way God intended. I'm so over that.

When I was pregnant with The Child I had one prayer: "Please give this child my metabolism and her father's teeth".

And God laughed.

She got my metabolism AND my teeth. Poor thing. Actually, hers are stronger than mine but they are all cattywhompus and snaggly. Which kills me because a) her baby teeth were so perfect and 2) hello? I know what it's like to feel self-conscious about your smile and I don't want her to live with that.

I'm obsessed with other people's teeth. It's the first thing I notice. When I watch a movie or TV program I'm always checking out people's teeth. In fact, I think the reason I like British actors so much is because the Brits famously don't care as much about that stuff as Amuricans seem to. Lots of 'em have snaggle teeth and nearly all of them have an overbite.

The Cardinal once told me that he thinks women with an overbite are way sexier than women who don't. It's one of the reasons I ♥ him so.

I took The Child to the orthodontist yesterday. She had some orthodontia about 3 years ago but they mostly focused on trying to correct her bite. It didn't work. They straightened out her front teeth, a little. She wore a retainer for a while. Then she stopped. But the teeth are still OK. Her bite, the main focus of their efforts, wasn't altered in the least. I didn't want to throw any more money at that particular problem.

So the ortho, who's a very nice woman, said yesterday that The Child has to see an oral surgeon first, because she's got 2 baby teeth that still haven't come out and don't look like they are going to. Which is part of her snaggle tooth problem. Then she said, "And he'll talk to you about options relative to jaw surgery".

I gave her the stink eye.

Someone explain to me the wisdom in performing jaw surgery on a person who is still growing. It's not like she doesn't have a jaw. It's not like she has trouble breathing or eating or speaking, which are the only things I can think of that would be a reason to do something so drastic. Not to mention that my dentist told me that if The Child decides to have jaw surgery when she's an adult, it will go better if she has straight teeth. Hello? Let's all get on the same page, shall we?

Anyenamel, we'll go to the surgeon to deal with her baby teeth and when he starts to talk to me about jaw surgery I will tell him that it is duly noted for the record that he talked to me but we are not going to do that right now. I just want my baby's teeth straighted so she doesn't have to spend her entire adult life feeling self-conscious.

And if after all that the orthodontist says she doesn't want to fix the teeth without the surgery, I'll find another orthodontist. Or we'll just move to England.



Blogger Seattle Coffee Girl opined...

Dude. I hate the dentist.

April 10, 2008 10:58 AM  
Blogger rosemary opined...

I have had crooked, yellow teeth all of my life. I was actually called snaggle tooth by a girl that I went to grammer school with and high school as well. Ummhum, bitch. I have 24 of my 32 teeth left. They are still crooked and yellow even with that tray/white goop event. I am going today to get the permanent crown on the root canaled tooth and a cleaning where the assistant will ask once again "Have you thought about a whitening program?" and I will say."Nopth thmmthk yuff." As for childhood was too expensive for my parents...they got a new Chevy instead. Lorraine, you are beautiful. You absolutely owe it to yourself to get your teeth fixed.

April 10, 2008 11:20 AM  
Blogger CRAIG & DIANE opined...

It took me 15 years to see the Dentist after years of pain and being ashamed of my teeth. Like you, my teeth break at will. I had enough, had the work done and finally have the smile I have always dreamed of. You will not regret your decision.

April 10, 2008 11:30 AM  
Blogger sageweb opined...

Wow I cant imagine not biting into corn on the have you survived? Go get those teeth covered in gold and diamonds...that is all the rage.

April 10, 2008 11:58 AM  
Blogger Buck opined...

I'm never smiling in front of you again.

April 10, 2008 12:14 PM  
Blogger Miss Healthypants opined...

Don't even get me started on dentists. I spent the better part of a summer going to dental appointments. And the worst part was, my dentist was a former military dentist--yikes! I hated her.

Then I got a new dentist who fixed everything quickly--I love her!! She is very positive, down-to-earth, and doesn't yell at you about not flossing. What more could you ask for??

Oh, Rainey, I sympathize with your and the Child's tooth plight. I'm currently avoiding going to the dentist to get a front crown replaced (it's loose). I know I should do it soon...sigh....

April 10, 2008 12:17 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Dude, feelin' that.

Thank you, Rosie. I'm sure I'll feel quite smashing when I don't look like a jack-o-lantern.

C&D, I appreciate the encouragement!

Dude, I know, right? I sit at BBQs and cut the kernals off with a knife. So lame. And if it's all the same to you, I think I'll leave the gold and diamonds for my tiara.

Buck, you have perfectly fine teeth. That's what happens when you have crap teeth...EVERYONE has better teeth that you. Except whats-his-name from the Pogues. He makes me feel like Julia Roberts.

Gut up and do it, MHP. Once I neglected a loose crown and ended up having to have frakking oral surgery and a bridge. Seriously not worth it.

April 10, 2008 12:40 PM  
Blogger LostInCO opined...

When I was a kid, the first time I went to the dentist, I bit him. I still don't like going to the dentist.

April 10, 2008 12:57 PM  
Blogger sfoofie opined...

Oh yord. I'm with SCG, I hate the dentist. One of my front teeth has a discolored corner on it that has bothered me for years. Plus when pics are taken at a certain angle, I have another tooth that sticks out! I hope you didn't notice those. Luckily, I told the photographer (sister in law) at the wedding to only capture my "good side" and all the pics turned out great. hee hee!

My new dentist is pretty great. I think I'm going to make an appointment today.... *yipes*

April 10, 2008 1:05 PM  
Blogger Auld Hat opined...

Yup, overbites are sexy. Then again I think the British are sexy so what do I know?

April 10, 2008 1:37 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Lostinco, I've never bitten a dentist but I sure have thought about it. Of course, if I did I'd probably just bust a tooth so it would have been counterproductive.

Sfoof, I never noticed anything wrong with your teeth but then, I was just entranced by the whole package that is the Sfoof!

You know plenty, Hat. Those Brits are a sexy, sexy bunch. (thoughts of Alan Rickman and Joseph Fiennes flit through brain and distract blogger from comments...)

April 10, 2008 1:43 PM  
Blogger kingba opined...

Hi, Lorraine:

very touching and, let me add two things:
1. I am older than you, but everyone else is younger (except my wife-butn either one of us looks it) and let me tell you: them kids don't know what a woman, nor a human being, is, and it's not in the teeth anyway;
2. thanks for your comment. I did not check my blog foweeks (VERY busy, demanding times) and you left me a very sweet comment. THANKS, woman!

April 10, 2008 4:31 PM  
Blogger Sling opined...

Why do you suppose I'm never smiling in my pics?
I have about 17 of my original 32 teeth left.
Yeah,I'm gettin' 'em fixed someday,eventually..sooner or later.
In the meantime,I'll just keep talking with a British accent.

April 10, 2008 6:13 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Oh, I say, Sling old chap, what's say we have a round of whist and then a spot of tea. I do love when you tell me stories of your years in Indja.

April 10, 2008 7:22 PM  
Blogger Mom opined...

I still have all my teeth, including wisdom teeth. My kids, however weren't so lucky. Two of them had major dental surgery to correct extremely bad overbite and jaw problems. Surgery was brutal with the son's jaw wired shut for 6 weeks. He now has lovely teeth. His daughter had same problem. She began orthodontic work at age 6 and has escaped the surgery. I hate dentists too.

April 10, 2008 9:10 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Ok, Mom, that whole "jaw wired shut thing" did it for me. I can't even imagine.

April 10, 2008 10:22 PM  
Anonymous DoraLong opined...

I feel your pain, at 10 we've already spent a small fortune on the boy's teeth, but he'll have a lovely smile when he's in high school ;)

I've been making the dentist's payments on his vacation home myself this year, 3 crowns, blech! But molars are one of those things a person sort of needs. I cover my mouth too, I have a front tooth that needs to be capped due to discoloration and I'm very self concious about it. But like you, it's one of those it'll have to wait deals since the actual functional stuff needs doing before the purely cosmetic bits. Unless of course I mortgage the house.

Good luck and make sure we get pictures of the new and improved smile!

April 11, 2008 3:06 AM  
Blogger danny/ink2metal opined...

hey lorraine,

i'm with sage on the diamonds and gold covered teeth. you just have to be sure to save the bits that break off. a fancy necklace could eventually be fashioned out of your diamond and gold covered teeth. a wise investmet indeed!


April 11, 2008 8:18 AM  
Blogger danny/ink2metal opined...

oh, and i hhope the child can avoid the jaw surgery. when our andrew was 14, he had had a bad crash on his motorbike and had two teeth replaced, two plates screwed in to restructure his jaw and his mouth wired shut for a month; actually that part wasn't bad...a voiceless 14 year old! for a month! woohoo!

anyway, he lost almost twenty pounds beause he had to be straw-fed everything. what a pain in the ass that was! but he was a trooper and we rewarded him with fresh sushi as soon as he could open his mouth again.

and i know, the idea of losing twenty pounds in a month is pretty tempting to have one's mouth wired shut!


April 11, 2008 8:28 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Oh, Danny, I was thinking about that wired jaw thing...The Child has the metabolism of a hummingbird. If she were to have jaw surgery and eat through a straw it would probably frakking kill her. Seriously. She can't afford to lose any weight.

Which will be one of my other arguments to the dentist types.

April 11, 2008 8:36 AM  
Blogger booda baby opined...

I had to quit reading the dental-hijynx stories. My little folder's got big stamps all over it: Dentaphobe. I, too, got those disastrously brittle teeths.

Most of that phobia was cured when I lived in Eastern Europe. Here's your choice: pull it out.

Shit, the list of things to be self-conscious about - oh, that can also be cured by LOTS and LOTS of money - gets longer by the year.

Move to England. Yes. I agree. You're closer to the soft cheeses and I don't think they even know what corn on the cob IS.

April 11, 2008 9:19 AM  
Blogger Maine Gay opined...

I'm at the same point you are. I've had bad teeth for quite a while. I used to say "its too expensive" or "I'm too young for dentures" - but hell, I want to eat crunchy things again.

You're not alone.

April 13, 2008 7:08 AM  
Blogger Anne opined...

I got my front teeth knocked out in a car accident, I was in the back seat, and this was before seatbelts were the in thing, and my face hit the head rest in front of me. The dentist sewed my teeth back in and they stayed in there for 15 years, but I couldn't eat corn or apples the way you're supposed to. So I devised a way to use my bottom teeth to bite and consequently, I could eat corn on the cob so neatly, it looked like a machine had done it.

April 14, 2008 5:48 AM  
Blogger Kimberly Ann opined...

Late to the party, but I too had issues with baby teeth. In fact, my left "eye tooth" never came down because the baby tooth never fell out. Much oral surgery later (including going through the roof of my mouth, under my nose, to try to drag it out - I kid you not - I still have the baby tooth. It has worked fine and damn it, it is here to stay. I'm tempted to share more disgusting info, so I'll stop now and just go floss.

April 14, 2008 3:42 PM  

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