I Like Soup

Heidi, wearing a very unfortunate muumuu thing, informed the designers that they would be designing a look for a Fashion Week gala and would be introduced to a group of "very inspiring" women. Tim further clarified the challenge. Campbell's Soup has an "Address Your Heart" project raising funds and awareness for heart related illnesses and the look in question would be worn to their big event. It had to be red and it had to incorporate the Campbell's soup branding. (We all immediately thought of Andy Warhol).

The inspirational women? Ladies who had been impacted by various heart conditions. They were also real women of different sizes, colors and ages. Winner of the challenge would accompany his/her "muse" to the event and the dress would have a limited production, to be sold on Projectrunway.com, to help raise funds for the charity.

So we have our feel good challenge and are treated to the designers talking with and being moved to tears by their models and their stories. Except Seth Aaron, whose model has very strong ideas about what she wants, which could lead to trouble. There is a lot of bonding with models, especially between Jesus and Gay Ghetto.

$100 dollars and 1 day to create, plus Campbell's has provided a bunch of logo fabric.

One of the issues that becomes immediately apparent for nearly all the designers is working with new models who are not models. As Seth Aaron delicately put it, this was the "largest challenge" he'd ever faced as a designer; meaning his model was not a size 0. Pft.

MAB notes that Jesus has hair like a Chai pet.

Seth Aaron's model wants something Grecian and he goes along because she is the client, but he's not convinced. Janeane is still using the good meds because she doesn't fall apart when she drops her fabric into a bucket of water that is inexplicably standing near her ironing board.

Tim's walk around is uneventful except to tell Snotty Jesse that his look doesn't have "much in the way of fashion" if one disregards the jacket he's working on. He muses with one designer that the challenge is a "good lesson for all of us" in having to work with "real women". (And let me just say that while some of the ladies are of a size, it's not like they are working with tubs o' lard. This whole thing really points to the bias of the fashion community against anyone with boobs or hips and makes me a little sad because these are, for the most part, young and unformed designers and even they already resist womanly shapes).

Tim is all astonishment at the Grecian thing, noting Seth Aaron is the last designer he would pick as the creator. He doesn't hate it, per se, but it gives rise to the obligatory "don't lose yourself as a designer in order to please your client" speech. Which results in Seth Aaron beginning to completely remake the dress with only hours left.

In this regard, however, he is not entirely alone. Amy notes that she has about 70% of her dress left to make and most of the other designers are similarly struggling to complete their ensembles.

The Runway

Guest judge is Georgina Chapman. (That's ok. We'd never heard of her, either).

Some of the looks that come down the runway are notable for their ugliness. Maya has done something that puts The Neighbor in mind of Miss America. There is "draping" to create the illusion of a heart but it is very heavy and stiff and the gold sash-y thing, in our view, does nothing for the dress or its wearer. Amy sends down something very pretty and flowy although there is a lack of obvious branding. She is not alone in this, however, and of the designers who do use the logo fabric, it is only as trim. The exception is the immunity bearing Mila, who has used the Campbell's star as the inspiration of her dress. Conceptually this is quite clever but the execution, in our view, has resulted in a very hideous flag which reminds MAB more of Macy's than Campbell's.

The Neighbor is not impressed with the little confection that Janeane has whipped up. MAB and I mostly like it, save for the underskirt which should have been more flow-y or made of tulle or something. But still. Seth Aaron's model worked her dress and it has a more fitted and "designed" look than the original.

Top Three/Bottom Three

This is the point where the 3 of us enter a parallel universe, where nearly everything we hated is lauded by the judges and nearly everything we loved is loathed by them. "Well, remember, we aren't seeing it live," says MAB. True that. But really? On what planet is the flag gown "fun" or deserving of a "job well done?"

Anysoup, Mila's flag is in the top, as is Amy. Nina loved the fabric and movement, Chapman found it both "ethereal and confident" and Kors deemed it "elegant but modern". And Maya too is in the top. Heidi finds it "interesting" and notes "the design in there". Nina applauds the effort that went into the draping and at this point MAB says, "I have lost my mind". (Honestly, the front of this dress is sooooooo heavy and sooooooooo without movement it strains the boundaries of credulity that the judges could truly admire this dress without benefit of psychotropic drugs).

The bottom 3 are Jesse (Kors said it looked costum-y and he should have used another fabric. Nina is unimpressed with the pocket square he did of Campbell's fabric) & Anna (Nina likes the bottom of the dress but not the racer back and Chapman says it doesn't "feel like evening"). But the most stern comments are reserved for Jesus. Given that the only time he hasn't been in the bottom was the one time he was lucky enough to partner with a talented designer, this is no surprise. Kors is flabbergasted and says, "Where do I start?" then accuses Jesus of making a checklist of every tacky element in the world and then proceeding to make sure it was all incorporated in his design. Heidi concedes he has excellent construction skills but notes his lack of taste.

We all agree Amy should win and that Jesus should be out and that is exactly how it played out. Amy won for her dress which "moved beautifully" and in which her model looked "happy and elegant".



Jesus fundamentally was sent away because, as Kors said earlier, "Taste is not something that can be taught".

Jesus was remarkably perky after the aufing, even saying "Cool" when Tim sent him to the workroom to pack up. And that was nice. With any luck he will be hired by a good design firm where he can employ his construction skills to good effect.

Now, quick show of hands: when listing your top 5 comfort foods, how many of you include Campbell's tomato soup and grilled cheese sammies? Me too.

Let Them Eat Cake

The main thing to accomplish for The Child's Sweet 16 party was her cake. Which she envisioned in her chosen colors (chocolate brown and pink). Polka dots were involved. Despite my noteworthy stint as Worst Mother in the World, she seems to believe I can do anything. Like make a cake worthy of Duff Goldman. 'Cept the truth be told, I can barely ice a cake without embarrassing myself. (Reason number 13 Why I Love Pie: You don't have to ice it). But The Child, you see, wanted fondant. I knew exactly what she had in her head. I could see it, too. Just not so much with the execution. Also, I worked with fondant maybe a dozen years ago, in an effort to make "ribbons" for a cake for my parents' 40th wedding anniversary or something like that. And I had help. And it was just a decorative touch, not the entire set piece. Are you getting the picture?

First thing I did was buy fondant. I've made it. It can be made. But really, why would you when someone else has done the work already? That's right. And the woman who was selling the fondant had some in very hot pink. Which could be muted with some of the pure white fondant, thus saving me not so much time (still had to knead the stuff) but mess (like when I had to dye AND knead the brown fondant).

Here's the fondant in its larval state:

And this is how the pink turned out. Much toned down, right?



My original plan was just to cover each layer in fondant, decorate with the requested polka dots and let it go at that. The first layer of brown fondant was easy enough. But when it came to covering the round layers I was suddenly confronted with engineering issues. Like, how do you make the fondant all straight and flush to the cake when what it wants naturally to do is drape?

Well, if you're anything like me and you really don't have time to research the problem, you use your imagination. Hey! That looks like a skirt, doesn't it? A few polka dots, a nice bow at the back...

From a distance, and with plenty of distracting gee gawgery, it didn't look half bad.

I Can't See My Shadow

I told myself this morning that I was going to download the pictures from The Child's Sweet Sixteen bash and get blogging about it. But then I discovered how many pictures were actually taken and now I have to go sort through them all and find the ones that best tell the story so that report will have to come tomorrow.

But suffice to say, it was a good party.

And also, I went to my first roller derby bout this weekend. One of the teams was skating to benefit The House so MAB and I went. That is a whole other blog foddery tale.

But suffice to say, I have decided that my roller derby name would be Julia Riled. I would wear pearls and an apron and whenever I blocked a jammer I'd trill "Bon appetit, suckah".

I wounded myself the other night while grating cheese. We've all done it...scrapped a knuckle on the grater. Hurts like H, bleeds like a stuck pig, takes forever to heal because the wound is on a bendy place.

Suffice to say, I won't post any pictures of that.

Are We Bored Yet?

I was not overly enthusiastic going into tonight's PR. For one thing, I was supposed to be at MAB's delicious new downtown flat, teaching her to cook halibut and enjoying the ambiance of her tres chic environs but alas, she has a terrible head cold and I sent her home from work early. And also because I knew this week was going to be a team challenge and I HATE team challenges.

But there was a smidge of promise. Heidi greeted the group with the question "How would you like to meet some of the most iconic designers of all time?" And all the little designers clapped their little hands and exclaimed, "Yes! Yes!" Of course, since most of the iconic designers of all time are dead, it was no surprise that they went off to meet Tim at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (and if you're not from NY make sure if you go to not make the mistake of referring to it as "The Met". That's what New Yorkers call the opera). He was standing in the newly reopened American wing, surrounded by 10 gowns from the likes of Yves St. Laurent and Dior. Beautiful things. The designers were told that they would have $500 (the largest PR budget ever for a single challenge) and 2 days to create a high end look that would be at home with the dresses amid which they stood. Pulling buttons from his little velvet bag, Tim chose the team leaders, who then got to pick their partners.

Jay, who has immunity, chose Maya. Jesus, who has been in the bottom 2 the last 2 weeks, got very lucky to be a leader and chose Amy, who has mad skillz (and should have won last week). Gay Ghetto smiled smugly and said, "I choose this day...Seth Aaron", who blissfully scampered over to him saying, "Where's my brown sugar". I now pronounce you man and wife. Janeane picked Ben, who is notable for being totally forgettable, Mila copped Jonathan because he has "excellent construction skills". Ping picked Jesse, who had told the camera earlier that there was no way he wanted to work with Ping and Emilio was left with Anna. The designers had time to commune with the dresses in the museum and they all, including Tim, are on the verge of weeping being so close to such mega designs.

After some sketching and jostling, they are off to Mood to select fabric and Ping is bouncing around like the airy fairy nutcase she is. She and Jesse have a mild disagreement about something and he is shown smacking his fist into his hand behind her back. He really doesn't want to work with her and is making no bones about it. The other designers are all happy and giggly, especially the newlyweds.

There is very little apparent drama in the beginning. Mila is thinking and Jonathan is constructing, which is niggling him a little. Jesse is being a complete bitch and questioning Ping's every decision, forcing her into a dithering place that she hadn't been in before he started nattering at her. "Your causing me to have doubts," she moans. "I'm not doubting the vision," he says ever so arrogantly, "I just want to know that there is a vision".

Work proceeds apace and toward the end of the day Tim comes in for a "gather 'round". Uh oh. Sure enough, the luxurious 2 day challenge just got ugly. Now the designers have to create a second "look for less", something more ready-to-wear. They will get an additional $50 for fabric and the look must pay homage to but not copy one of the high end looks created by another team. This situation raises the tensions that heretofore were only simmering. Ping and Jesse are now engaged in all out war (especially when Ping comes back with some fabric that he deems "cheap"), Jay is totally slacking because he has immunity and Maya is doing all the work because she knows his slacking + immunity can equal disaster for her, Jonathan is starting to resent the amount of work he's doing while Mila continues to obsess over her "vision" and the newlyweds have their first spat.

Tim's Walk Around is essentially uneventful, except to urge Jay & Maya to "keep it simple", confirm Jesse's judgement that Ping's LFL fabric is cheap and allow us some humor when Gay Ghetto scolds Seth Aaron, "Don't argue in front of company". (The Neighbor thinks he is hilarious. I can only tolerate him in very small doses).

The Runway
Joining the regular judges (I just love saying that) is British designer Matthew Williamson.

The show seemed to go in an uneventful blur until Emilio's look came down the runway. It was lovely and we also liked what Jay and Maya (mostly Maya) created. Anthony/Seth Aaron and Ping/Jesse receive the lowest scores, Jay/Maya and Mila/Jonathan the highest. (Poo. Can't believe Emilio is only "safe").

Jay & Maya are applauded for their high end look, which was "dramatic and striking" and told that their LFL "blows the $500 inspiration out of the water". Mila & Jonathan get kudos for doing something more futuristic. The set piece of the look is a very modern black and white jacket that garners much praise although their LFL look is mostly a "meh".

On the other hand, Nina tells Ping and Jesse that the high end look is "just a bunch of fabric". Kors says it looks like it would be worn by the Statue of Liberty. As for the LFL look, Kors says, "I don't think anyone designed anything". Jesse snarks that he spent most of his time teaching Ping to sew and their model complains that she was never fitted into the LFL dress. The newlyweds are dissed for creating a dress appropriate for "a cotillion party in the south from Hell" and for an LFL dress that was nothing more than "an acetate cocktail dress". Nina merely dismissed them both with a "They're both really ugly". Ouch.

The Neighb and I both pick Ping to go and the Jay and Maya combo to win. But it was Mila that was declared the winner for a look that was "exciting and modern" and which received the gratitude of the judges for doing something other than a gown.
Jonathan, too, is safe. While the newlyweds are reprimanded for not being fashion forward and creating "couture" that was "a mess" and a LFL that was "a major snooze", they were safe, along with Jesse. Ping's totally lack of design or apparent vision was her undoing. And while I believe this was largely brought on by Jesse constantly harping on her, the result was the same. She was auf and she cried very hard and Tim sweetly told her "I cannot imagine that work room without you". But Ping tearfully tells us that she "surprised" herself and that "the journey continues". Bless her little heart.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go wrestle fondant. Tomorrow is The Child's Sweet Sixteen party and she is operating under the delusion that her mother is the Ace of Cakes.

A Smattering

Update:
Yesterday was much better than Monday. The Child and I had a talk about the hissy she'd thrown and cleared the air. We went out for a delicious dinner and watched "16 Candles" when we got home. She got lots of wonderful presents from wonderful people and went to bed happy. And so did I.

Small World Story:
We had dinner in a new sushi restaurant near our house. The woman who waited on us also owns one of my favorite little shops in the 'hood. (You may have heard that being a small business owner is currently not the easiest gig. So Shop Lady also takes some shifts at the sushi restaurant to keep body and soul together. She's amazing). Even though I've been shopping in her store for quite a while now, we'd never formally met so we took care of introductions over dinner. Then she pulled out her phone and friended me on Facebook. A little later she came back and asked, "How do you know Pat Briscoe?" Some of you may remember Pat from the early bloggy days. I told her about our virtual acquaintance and then she said she'd gone to high school with him. Six degrees of separation, baby. It's for real, I tell you.

Amazing Food:
Yesterday MAB brought me a little treat from a bakery near her new digs. It was a "pancakes and bacon" cupcake....delicious cake studded with little sugary bits of bacon, a creamy butter and maple frosting adorned with more bits o' bacon (as opposed to Baycun Bits, mind you). It was the best. thing. ever. I'm going to try and adapt it into a cake for our Carnevale feast. Fantastic.

Good Read
I've started reading "Just Kids" by Patti Smith. It is beautiful. She writes like she's from another century; dense, deliberate, poetic language where every word is clearly chosen with great care. Not at all what you'd expect from the Queen of Punk.

Good News:
The Child lost her cell phone in a train station yesterday. On the way to the car after dinner I got a call from a guy who'd found it. He's bringing it to my office today. He doesn't know this, but I'm giving him a reward. Dude just saved me $100 on the replacement phone. It's the least I can do.

Don't Forget:
The President's State of the Union address is tonight. I always watch the SOTU, even if I don't like the guy delivering it. This year will be a treat; not only do I very much like and support The President, I just adore listening to him speak. I just hope there aren't any arse Republicans planning to pull a Joe Wilson tonight. Idiots. I've really come to loathe the GOP.

Sweet 16. (OK, Not So Much on the Sweet Right Now But I Guess That Goes with the Territory).

16 years ago, right this minute, I was wearing a very unflattering but serviceable hospital gown and cracking jokes. No, really. In between contractions, it was a big ol' laughfest in the delivery room. Months later I ran into my labor nurse at the hospital and she told me that in her entire career she'd never laughed as much as she had at The Child's delivery. I like to think that the fact that there was more laughter than pain at her birth has some sore of significance.

I am feeling much more sentimental today than I expected. Probably because last night The Child, with much weeping and gnashing of teeth, delivered the "you don't believe in me, you never support me, blah blah blah" speech. I really hate that speech. Especially delivered on the eve of an occasion. Like her 16th birthday. A moment which, let's face it, I had something to do with. And yes, I am well aware that this goes with the territory and yes, certainly, I would much prefer The Attitude, born as it is of strong will and spunk, to the alternative. Like sex and drugs and alcohol and smoking and truancy and running with the wrong crowd or dating someone menacing with a name like Butch and a motorcycle. There is a lot about my 16 year old that I will put up against any other 16 year old and I'll do so with a whole lotta pride.

But when your baby turns on you, especially when you know that nothing you were saying to her remotely smacks of a lack of support, especially when you know what you've done to get her to this moment, yeah...it smarts a little.

And I was going to say, "but enough about me" and try to conjure up some sentimental crap about motherhood and the milestone of a daughter turning 16 and then I remembered, "This is my bloody blog and if I want to write about how I was, once again, told that I truly am 'the worst mother in the world', on the eve of my child's 16th birthday no less, and how it smarted and how it still does and how truly annoying that is, well then, that's what I'm going to do". So there. Pft.

So a happy birthday to my rotten, ungrateful child. I love her very much. I know she was put on this earth to do great things. And that's true whether she believes it or not.

Farmville Fashion

We begin in the apartments and on the boys' side, the Bottom Three are all waxing philosophical about how they need to "step it up". Then we go over to the girls' apartment and I'm basically looking at The Neighbor with a "who are these people"? The early weeks are sooooo difficult. (In fact, here's a thought...start the show with 10 designers. Maybe give 'em a few weeks of challenges with no aufing so much as point accumulation...just so we can really get to know them. Then start aufing away).

Heidi and her Seal Pup bump remind the the designers that Emil has immunity and then says that in an effort to "see what you are made of" they're going to be sent somewhere "a little out there". And one of the designers wonders if it could be the moon. Sure. Because Lifetime has that kind of budget.

Next shot is Tim, outstanding in his field (tee), surrounded by the models wearing potato sacks and Wellies. Oh, this is delightful. The designers are to demonstrate the age old adage about a woman being so beautiful she can even make a potato sack look good. The garment is going to be worn to an "industry event", the models are the clients and they get to pick their designers. (And then we have the obligatory hypocrisy where the last one chosen is all "what am I, chopped liver" to the camera and all "oooh, goody, I really wanted to work with you" to the model who chose her). The designers get to "shop" at a "farm stand" full of embellishments and then it is off to the work room.

This next bit is hard to express without audio but I'll try. Ping tells us in staccato: "I. want. to. play. with. the. texture. of. the. potatosack". It made us laugh.

Tim admonishes the designers to not lose sight of who they are even as they endeavor to please their clients. Mila (that's her name), who was chosen last and looks like a Vulcan, is talking trash to Gay Ghetto. Ping is confident, Anne Marie (I think) is doing potato prints on the potato sack, which is cute. and Pamela is engaged is a dying technique called ombre that is giving the burlap the vibe of denim.

Tim's Walkaround
Mila the Vulcan is fussing with some tulle embellishments and Tim believes it compromises the dress. And I ask, how in the world can tulle compromise anything?

Tim is "flabbergasted" by Jay's ambition and while he finds Ping's work "always intriguing" he explains to her the mechanics of the runway and how the very short skirt she has conceived will essentially provide a peep show for the judges. Jesus is admonished for obscuring the sack with embellishment. "You have, pardon the pun, skirted the challenge," says The Gunn. But Jesus plugs ahead, just like he did last week, because I guess when you have the same name as the Son of God it makes you think you too can walk on water.

The Runway
Guest judge this week was the inimitable Lauren Hutton. Bow down before her greatness.

Still too many looks to comment on them all however we loved Jay's dress and Amy's was a confection composed in burlap. Truly impressive and one of the few garments that was clearly made of burlap...but burlap transposed from itchy scratchy shapelessness into a soft, feminine blossom of a dress. Brilliant. And I know something of this. Growing up on a farm, I was well acquainted with the versatility of a potato sack. It upholstered the "furniture" in our tree forts, composed our Batman and Robin capes and yes, served as clothing for other playful endeavors - uncomfortable, unshapely clothing, but still. So Jay and Amy's work were triumphs of ingenuity and design.

There were also some decided misses, most notably yet another abomination from Jesus and a disturbing effort by Ping....some inexplicably wide shapes at the hip, a too short skirt and oh, what's this? The model's bum hanging out for all to see through an unfortunately gap in the back. Oy. "Thank goodness for the Brazilian wax," exclaimed MAB.

The Top Three

• Jay for creating a "really impressive" dress that Hutton said "made burlap look expensive".
• Mila, giving credence to my Vulcan theory, created a futuristic dress that was a hit with Heidi although she and Kors disagreed over the success of what he called "gapping" on the bodice. Nina praised her for taking burlap "from the farm to the future".
• Amy's dress was described as "just beautiful" and praised by Kors for really using the fabric and not disguising it. Hutton declared, enthusiastically but perhaps inappropriately "You made it!"

The Bottom Three

• Pam got snaps for her dye job, "it did look like denim" but Nina found the overall piece "too short, too tight and not sophisticated" while Kors lamented that a plain potato sack would have been more flattering. ("I think I had that dress," mused MAB. "It looks like something skanky I'd have worn to a disco in the 80s").
  
• Heidi conceded that Ping had an "edgy" eye but wondered if that was enough and Ping herself was reduced to tears over her model's skin tone and how it matched the fabric too much. I'm not sure she understood the real problem...which was the form defying shape of the skirt and the eewww factor of bare model bum.
• Jesus was questioned as to the percentage of burlap to other stuff and Heidi frankly told him that she "didn't see the challenge" anywhere in his garment while Hutton dismissed it as "a confused assault on the eye".

The Judging
Both The Neighbor and I picked Amy for the win, both because of the beauty of her dress and the successful transformation of what was still obviously burlap and Jesus to be out for yet again not heeding The Gunn and making something ugly.

Amy was, however, only safely in...which disappointed...and Mila the Vulcan, too, was safe. It was Jay who was declared the winner (beautiful dress, no question, but it was, we felt, farther away from the essence of burlap than Amy's dress).


Ping got lucky and she was grateful. And while Jesus' dress was deemed a disappointment for the way he covered up the burlap and turned it into something matronly, it was Pam who got the auf for a questionable taste level and the judges' concern that she didn't have the ability to be fashion forward.

While we were disappointed with the outcome, it was refreshing to have a show that was much more about the fashion than annoying personalities. (Gay Ghetto was a nominal presence compared to last week and Portland appears to still be on her meds). And perhaps best of all, "make it work" is back. The Gunn must have said it a half a dozen times last night.

A Note from the Maintenance Department

I'm sorry for those of you who hate it, but Mommy had to reinstitute word verification on her bloggy. The "high yield interest" spammer and the spammer whose first language is clearly not English were getting on her nerves. And as annoying as typing the word veri may be, it's more annoying to have spam in the middle of an otherwise interesting thread or to have to go in and delete it after the fact. So there. Word verification: it's like a screen door for the front portal of your blog home.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Moroccan meatball tagine in the oven and the couscous needs to be started.

Caroline Laughs and It's Raining All Day, She Loves to Be One of the Girls

I have begun planning The Child's Sweet 16 party. (Yes, I'll give you a minute to digest that. She was 11 when I started this blog).

She wanted "Pretty in Pink" as the theme. So the invitations were pink and the cake is going to be pink (with chocolate brown polka dots) and she wants pink balloons and pink streamers and pink food. (There'll be ham and maybe some pink punch but I'm not going to do anything crazy, like dye the deviled eggs. I have my limits). Some of the guests are, I know, wearing pink to the fete and so will the fetee. (She doesn't know that yet...I'm taking her shopping this weekend. Shhhh. It's a surprise).

At the moment I am not capable of making deep observations about this milestone. Frankly, I still haven't quite wrapped my head around it. Or my heart. Or maybe my failure to wrap my mind around it is a mechanism for protecting my heart. I can tell you that lately I have been noticing mommies with little tow headed toddler babies and something tugs inside. Because the truest words that were ever spoken is that it goes fast. It goes really, really fast.

Some Things I Don't Understand

Why is it that I can have a dream wherein I am desperately trying to pursuade my mom to call the police while I desperately try to convince my brother that he should NOT go into the house next door because someone is breaking in but I'm barely able to get the words out and yet The Spouse pokes me because I'm talking in my sleep?

Why is it that my back kills me when I'm sleeping, unless I'm on my side and in a semi-fetal position but it doesn't bother me a lick during the day?

Why can't you teach a dog to sweep?

How is it possible that anyone at all anywhere on the planet pays attention to certifiable nutjobs like Pat Robertson?