Project Half Nelson

When I was a mere slip of a girl, between the ages of 13 and 15, before I had anything resembling a social life, I spent many a weekend babysitting for neighbors. This was good. I liked the enfants, they all liked me. It amazes me now that I could control, say, 4 rowdy little boys being not much older than them myself, but I did and it was groovy and I made money.

The only thing that wasn't so good about this was that it was in the days before cable. Hellfire, it was in the days before VCRs and DVDs. In short, after "Mission: Impossible", there was pretty much nothing on TV except, sometimes, wrestling. I hated that stuff. But sometimes I was so bored that I watched it anyway and fall asleep on the couch to the sound of body slams and ringing bells.

I share that little bit of personal history with you to help you understand that last's nights episode of PR affected me in precisely the same way. It was kinda gross and creepy, kinda entertaining and even though it wasn't really doing it for me on some level, I couldn't stop watching.

Tim took the last six designers on a "field trip" to the Project Runway auditorium, where they do the runway shows. From behind the doors they heard heinous noise: Jillian and Sweet P thought it sounded violent, Christian thought it sounded like sex. (I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions about that)

The doors opened to reveal a big wrestling ring, where 6 women were thumping the crap out of each other. Tim rang a bell and then climbed into the ring, with an amusing "grandpa has trouble with these ropes". He introduced the designers to the Divas of the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). The women, all possess of big hair, big chests and stripper names like "Kristal" and "Torrie", introduced themselves and described their style..which in this case refers to what they like to wear in the ring to project their personae. Because to use the word "style" in regards to women who look like they shop exclusively from the Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog is a wee bit of a stretch.

Speaking of stretch, after the designers chose their "clients" and spent 30 minutes with them talking and sketching, Tim took them off to -get this- the Spandex House. Yes, there is a house just for spandex. You didn't know that, did you? I'm here to educate, puppies.

From the starting bell, if you will, there were two camps of designers: those who embraced the challenge and went full tilt and those who couldn't quite bridge the disconnect between what they design and the fact that this challenge was so far from their comfort zone. More than one of them observed that there was a very fine line between wrestling outfits and designing for strippers.

There was also a little bit of fear: "If I design the wrong thing she might body slam me," observed Jillian (who'd snap like a twig in that eventuality).

Rami, after much metaphorical hand-wringing, starts draping (again) some truly heinous pink crap while Christian fully embraces the "fierce" nature of his client's "leather and lace" schtick. Teddybear Chris is completely "not ashamed" to be designing a costume (understanding as he does that a costume is precisely the point of the competition).

Sweet P, meanwhile, struggles to "relate" to the look. Her client wanted lots of bling and glam and drama...which left the P in a dither because she is so not into all sorts of stuff on a dress. I found this very disconcerting because the P was dressing in very fashionable ways this week but all those tattoos on her just pulled down the style factor to the level of trailer park and I wonder that she can't see the incongruity. (Oh P, how I love you for proving to me once and for all that tattoos beyond a certain age just make no sense at all). She goes for a 40s pin-up asthetic, hoping that drifts her away from stripper clothes.

Adorable moment: she challenges the other designers to arm wrestle. Christian accepts challenge. "Come here, you skinny armed twit", she taunts. Then Christian just about broke off her arm.

Tim came in during the 30 minute fitting with the Divas and made the rounds. Sweet P was told by the client that she wants more "stuff"...which Sweet P tries to listen to but it goes completely against her nature, as she thinks more would be "ridiculous and tacky". Again, this coming from the Tattooed Lady.

Tim expressed concern about the (glaring) orange outfit Ricky was working on (complete with gold braiding...eeew). Ricky insisted that the client was thrilled with the choice, that he was giving her what she wanted. "Well, continue the dialogue," said Tim (who probably went straight home and took a shower).

Christian, meanwhile, was fierce to the nth degree. He was fierce, his client was fierce, they were both excited and giggly about the fierceness of his design. As he fitted and fussed with the look the ecstatic client chirped, "Will you marry me?" Christian said "yes".

Oh, and before I forget, all through the show Christian was bitching about how Ricky sucked and Ricky was telling the confessional that apparently his win last time didn't buy him any respect (well, duh). Ricky was in need of a snap (not a "you go, girl" snap, the kind used to hold clothes together) and borrowed one from Christian, who opined that he didn't really want to give it to him because he sucks but whatever. Oh, and when they were all picking their wrestling names, Christian said he'd be called Fierocia Coutoura. He's a funny little bitch.

Highlights from The Gunn Review:

Ricky: It's "a little Wonder Woman".

Rami: "That is a color you either embrace or reject" and he cautioned Rami to embrace it because he didn't want that to be his downfall.

Sweet P: Oh, this was funny. The Gunn was so not impressed with the silvery shimmery bra-and-panties-under-a-robe. "I don't want you to go home over this," he said. "It's a little Eva Gabor in 'Green Acres'...can you do something with feathers?" He drapes a boa thing over the garment and exclaims "ACK! Talk about Eva Gabor in 'Green Acres'!" In short, The Gunn was completely befuddled himself and poor P was in tears, hating the look and completely unclear as to how to mitigate it.

Chris is just chortling all through the challenge, mostly because he was in his element and his client was pleased as punch. He was also very amused by the nature of the challenge as it would present to the judges: "What are they going to say? What is Nina Garcia going to say?"

Going into the judging, this is how the designer's assessed their own work:

Christian loved his design more than some of the other things he's done. Which scared him.

Jillian and her client were both delighted with her "sexy tomboy" homage.

Ricky loved his look; the client, who was enthusiastic in the beginning was slightly less so with the execution and he was giving her a pep talk about the runway confusing, I believe, her trepidation about the outfit with stage fright. Sad, deluded little Ricky.

Chris loved his outfit so much he exclaimed "I wish I could wear it". Thanks a lot for that visual.

Sweet P felt, in the end, that she'd created a look that worked with her client's "robe and reveal" schtick, giving it enough visual interest without being too over the top. Unfortunately, over-the-top was precisely what her client was looking for.

Rami, telling us for the 412th time that this was not something he would normally design, said his outfit looked like something he'd make if he was on crack but felt he'd done what he had to in order to please the client.

Guest judges were Richie Rich and Traver Rains, otherwise known as Heatherette.

Kors was semi-funny, declaring at the top that he felt completely out of water faced with all these spangly spandexy bits. "I feel like the Pope at a sex club," he giggled.

Here's Jillian's "sexy tomboy", which certainly held all Michelle's parts in place. There was, to my mind, entirely too much arse hanging out of the back but the judges found it "sporty sexy".


As for Rami? When I was little I once drank a lot of 7-Up and ate a whole roll of Canada Mints and then I threw up. This is what it looked like.

Nina hated, I mean hated the color. Torrie loved it. But then, Torrie is a female wrestler.

Christian's look wow'ed the judges. They got a Prince/Vanity vibe off it. They felt it was fierce. They said it was totally hot and sexy and Heidi added, "but it's intimidating, too", which in this context is a good thing. He got a big fat "job well done".

Sweet P was taken to task for not giving the look enough drama, a critique backed up by Candice Michelle, who declared that the robe made her feel "too bare". Which is just laugh-out-loud funny, dontcha think?

Poor P needed to rise about her own instincts about what was classy to give this the extra va-va-va-voom the client wanted. Indeed, if this says anything, it's more "wedding night" than "wrestling ring". Not my wedding night, mind you, but surely someone's.

The judges admitted that this challenge wasn't much of a stretch for Chris but they loved it; loved his fabric choices, loved the lining, loved that the client loved it.

One certainly could think of other applications for that leopard hoodie, no?

Ricky's design was demeaned as nothing more than a bathing suit and, to add insult to injury, a bathing suit "we've seen before". He was chastised for squandering the opportunity to "dress a superhero".

Chris was the winner, which bugged me only in that it was a very costumey thing, which he excels at, and I wish the judges would do more to acknowledge all the lovely things he's done by dialing down the costume stuff, but whatev. Love me some Chris, love that he won.

Christian was safe, of course, and, of course, put on his pissy face the second Chris was awarded the win. He thinks he should win every week. And yeah, he could easily have won this one but seriously, someone needs to teach him about sportsmanship. Bitchy baby boy.

P was in the bottom with Ricky. I began to steel myself for the inevitable. Then the heavens opened, angels sang and it was Ricky got the auf'ing. Apparently, the judges have discovered that those photos he had were photoshopped and finally, FINALLY, the lamest designer in the bunch was gone.

In the epilogue Ricky told us that he'd come into the competition with a lot of fears and through the experience had learned to not be afraid of what other people think. Good lesson. In this case, what people think is that Ricky designs very nice slips and bathing suits and in no way deserved to be showing at Fashion Week. Glad the judges finally were free to acknowledge that as well.