Friday, February 15, 2008

It's Not Easy Being Teen


The Child had a complete meltdown yesterday. Her homeroom teacher had called me for a conference. You see, after getting the best report card of her middle school experience last trimester, she has now fallen back into some of her worst academic habits and at the moment is flunking half her courses. And yes, it's the same damn bugbear it's always been, missing assignments.

In the past she would do the work and not turn it in. This time around I think she's not actually done most of the work.

We have a little liturgy each afternoon:


Leader: Did you get your homework done?

Response: Yes, Muuuom. (Roll eyes)

Was I actually having her show me that the work was finished? Of course not. She's in the 8th grade. I can't be treating her like a baby. Right? Wrong, obviously. So anyeff, when she brought home this horrible progress report full of 0s (which indicate missing assignments), I asked what was up and she didn't really say so I gave her a lecture. And every day I'd broach the subject:

Leader: "Did you get the materials you need to finish those assignments?"

Response: "Yes, Muu-om". (Roll eyes).

Or I'd ask for an update on what she's been working on and she'd go into full drama queen mode: "I'm working on it! Geez, Mom! I don't need this pressure! I know what I need to do, alright?" Which, depending on my mood and how quickly she got to downright insolence, would either make me turn and walk away with a shrug or give her both barrels.

Teenagers are just awesome.

Cut to yesterday and the call from her teacher and she starts to freak. "He's concerned about my grades, he already told me that, you don't have to have a meeting..."

"Well, yeah, I do have to have a meeting because your teacher called me in for one". And then she started crying. Not drama queen crying, real honest to goodness, something-is-sitting-so-wrong-in-her-heart crying.

Her tears and sobs continued through the length of our conversation but the upshot was that she's so so so nervous about high school, specifically getting into First Choice. Or even more specifically, that she'll not get into First Choice. And, you see, the letters are going out today so we'll know by next Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest. The anticipation is eating her up. Which I totally get because I'm thinking about it a lot, too...

I'm not one of those people who reads all the "how to talk to your kids so they'll listen" sort of books. I don't do well with self-help texts. Times like yesterday afternoon always leave me wishing I were better prepared for this parenting stuff.

I told her I truly understood. I told her I wished I could say it was going to be fine and she was a shoo-in. But I couldn't. I said that the worst thing that could happen is she doesn't get in, in which case we'll regroup and figure out the next steps. I suggested that if she doesn't get in, it may be a blessing in disguise. Then I told her that the truth is, she's going to have lots more experiences like this: waiting to hear about college, waiting to hear if she got the job, waiting for mortgage papers to come through, waiting to see if the pregnancy test is positive...sometimes we have to wait and it's really hard because sometimes, after doing everything we can, the outcome is being determined by other forces and we have no control over it.

BUT, I sweetly told her, the thing one cannot do in such times is put everything else on hold. She can't not do her homework because she's worried about high school. She still has to graduate eighth grade and that is something she can control.

Then I held her. And then I gave her a valentine.

Say a little prayer for her today, if you would. (Or send her some good vibes or do a naked pagan fire dance...whatever your method). Poor little scutter. She's growing up and sometimes that is just really, really hard work.

Today's video is one of my favorite songs by this artist and is dedicated to The Child and all the waiting that comes with life; here's hoping she can learn to mine riches out of the in-between moments. And since the quality of this video is lacking a smidge, today you get a twofer, another song of inspiration.



Carly Simon "Anticipation"





Carly Simon "Let the River Run"

(PS: The sync seems to be off in the second video, which is weird because the version I downloaded was fine. Sorry about that).

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32 Comments:

Blogger Doralong opined...

Ahh the meltdown. Well honey I wish I could tell you it's going to suddenly be great. It won't, at least not for a while it won't. Hang in there! I'm dealing with meltdown city myself over next year's schedule- she's being beyond uncooperative, in spite of the facts that we've gone to great lengths to make her an active participant in the process... and the letters arriving from colleges "Look at US!" ie: we want your parents money if we decide to take you.. oh boy, talk about the icing on the drama cupcake. OY!

Hang in there Cuz, books don't help dear, they don't know your child after all. I just keep telling Miss Thing she better do well in grad school so she can afford the therapy, since we've traumatized her so.

February 15, 2008 7:49 AM  
Blogger Anne opined...

We got an "E" (same as "F" but for some reason it's not supposed to sound so bad) in algebra on the mid-term progress report. I feel ya, girl.

sheesh.

February 15, 2008 8:07 AM  
Blogger Willym opined...

The Child is very much in my thoughts and prayers at this moment. I had forgotten how horrid that waiting game can be - particularly for a young person. Seems to me you did the "parenting" thing just fine without any self-help book.

Give the Child a hug from everybody here please.

February 15, 2008 8:27 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

I'm hangin', Cuz. And adding a few bucks to the therapy fund.

Man, I'm so glad we have each other, Anne. Sheesh is right.

You're so sweet, Willym. Thanks. Yeah, waiting is never any fun but when it's your first time, it's even less fun. She doesn't have the ability to look back at other times of waiting and see how things always worked out for the best. I certainly will give her a hug.

February 15, 2008 8:30 AM  
Blogger TWISI opined...

no joke...

you really are a super-fantastic mom!

February 15, 2008 10:10 AM  
Blogger sageweb opined...

I like best that you two can hug. I never got that. Now I take every hug and suck it up...they are the best. So here is a big hug for you and the child.

February 15, 2008 11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Dillydoodlehead is on my prayer list - good job with the talk Nayb, this reminds me of waiting for my remodel to be finished. You'll both get through it and it will be worth it, no matter what.

xo nayb

February 15, 2008 11:57 AM  
Blogger Leah opined...

Poor girl. Being a teenage girl is such a trying time. Even though I'm a ,gazillion years away from my teens, the scars are still fresh. Being a teen is almost as tough as being a mommy. ;)

Just keep hugging her!

February 15, 2008 12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Ba Ha Ha Ha (Note no W)

Oh and kinda along that subject I ran into another X-Parent of the school which the child curently attends. In the truly
christian ideal of not repeating the bad things that were said of such school I really cant say anything at all about said school.
And of course we both know what was said too. She is very stroong and strong willed so i am sure she will do well and just maybe we'll take her to the home show this weekend but the timing thing may be tough oh well peace to you and yours

February 15, 2008 12:38 PM  
Blogger danny/ink2metal opined...

you keep doing what you're doing and things will be just fine.

ours is finally graduating this year, and not with the hoped for g.p.a., but in the grand scheme of things, a well-adjusted although procrastination-prone young adult.

we still have fingers crossed that he'll pull a "in the last hour" academic miracle.

*hugs*

February 15, 2008 12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

This post makes me glad to be old.

February 15, 2008 1:18 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Thank you, Twisi. Now go clean your room and for the love of God, get your homework done! You call this clean? That's it, you're grounded.

Sageweb, awwww...hugs back to you, babe.

Neighb, thanks. Yeah, it's hard on me but it's harder on her...it's just that she doesn't yet have that long view...the one that allows a grownup to say, "Someday this will all be over" and really understand it. You know?

Leah, I know I would much rather be the mother of a teen than be a teen myself. Yikes. Will do, on the hugging thing.

Anonyba: Thank you for your restraint. As you know, we have had a different experience of the school and love it a lot. And thanks for your encouragement. And she's free this weekend if you want to take her off our hands for a few hours. The distraction would do her good.

February 15, 2008 3:51 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Danny, you're about to release a well-adjusted young adult into the world? What the hell are you thinking??????

Muuuuah!

JP: Right?

February 15, 2008 3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Sending good vibes the Child's way...and her Mom's way, too. *smiles*

Love,

MHP :)

February 15, 2008 6:47 PM  
Blogger Sling opined...

How does anyone even survive teenhood?
It boggles the mind.
The anguish of waiting is enough to drive even a Spartan to distraction at that age.I recognize the symptoms.
If you stop doing normal things,like class assignments,then you should be able to bring time to a screaming halt,and postpone your fears..I blame Einstien..
The Child is fortunate to have your benevolent hand to guide her.
PLUS!..Hugs are great! :)

February 15, 2008 7:01 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Thanks, MHP. Plus, you know, all this stuff is going to stand you in good stead when you and Iwanski finally get around to breeding. If not the actual learning from my mistakes, at least you're racking up karma points for being such boosters of The Child.

Hugs.

Dang it, Sling, that's EXACTLY it. THAT'S what she's doing. I knew it had to do with physics.

February 15, 2008 7:39 PM  
Blogger Citymouse opined...

Please dont tell the Child this, but it sure it nice to know my son isnt the only one who goes through this -- and it is nice to know Im not the only mom who has to deal with this.

February 15, 2008 8:01 PM  
Blogger Br. Jonathan opined...

Umm. You're just about the most fantastic and smartest mom that ever existed (And I've seen you in action)

If First Choice and Second Choice don't work out, you can always send her here to be home-schooled by Iwanski. She can be housed in your summer apartment above me.

February 16, 2008 1:05 AM  
Blogger Blogger opined...

I'll be thinking of you both until the arrival of The Letter next week. Fingers crossed. And toes. And I'll plait my hair.

February 16, 2008 2:33 AM  
Blogger Iwanski opined...

Oh man.

February 16, 2008 8:04 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

So not alone, Mouse....so not alone...
Seriously, that's why I say these things out loud.

Buck, there are very few flaws with your plan. Except that we don't actually have a summer apartment yet. You still have that air matress, right?

Thanks, Dariush. I appreciate the sacrifice because it is hard to type with crossed fingers and people may laugh and point at the plaited hair. Not to mention the stumbling that usually accompanies crossed toes. That you are willing to endure that for our sakes is a sign of true friendship. You are a fine person.

February 16, 2008 9:09 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

I know what you're thinking, Iwanski. It will be ok. We're not really going to send her to Chicago for you to homeschool. Buck was just making a funny. Have a beer.

February 16, 2008 9:10 AM  
Blogger Blogger opined...

Umm... people point and laugh at my hair anyway, so don't worry: I'm cool with the plaits.

I'm sure whatever happens next week will turn out to be for the best.

February 16, 2008 9:59 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

I highly doubt that, DA. But I sure appreciate your support. And you're right...much as she/we want this, if she doesn't get in I know there is something even better for her. Maybe we'll ship her off to boarding school in England.

February 16, 2008 12:02 PM  
Blogger Kimberly Ann opined...

I am sending all my good vibes to her now (ohm...ohm...cupcake-scented good vibes sparkling through the sky...ohm ohmmmmmmm). It's ultra cheesy to say, but sometimes things happen for a reason so whatever the outcome, she'll be peachy keen with such wonderful parents in her corner.

February 16, 2008 12:15 PM  
Blogger more cowbell opined...

Oh, jeez, Louise. That's rough. That not alone thing? Yeah. Like when they're already 18, under the illusion that they're grown and that their grades are none of your business because they're an "adult", and they fail the math final, and therefore the course, as they're waiting for the college acceptance letters to arrive. Yeah.

It's rough on them, it truly is. They go along, giving the illusion that the pressure isn't getting to them. That fear of failure is such hell, it's paralyzing sometimes. They're just kids after all.

Anyway, truly, good good thoughts to the Child and to you, and also all the other moms & offspring here in the comments.

OK, mama needs a G&T.

February 16, 2008 3:37 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Kimberly Ann, thank you for the cupcake scented vibes. Yum.

And Cowbell, no kidding. G&Ts, extra G.

February 17, 2008 9:19 AM  
Blogger Unknown opined...

I'm glad you mentioned the "blessing in disguise". One of the things that I think we all sometimes forget (okay, I sometimes forget) is that there isn't a "right" or "wrong" when it comes to what things happen in our lives when they are things that are out of our control. But there is a right and wrong on how we decide to deal with those things.

I have no idea if that makes sense, but sitting here on a soon to be snowy Sunday, drinking tea and enjoying a day off work, it sounds pretty good.

February 17, 2008 9:51 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

MG: Hey there, sweetie! And it makes perfect sense to me.

February 17, 2008 10:05 AM  
Blogger Bad Alice opined...

Man, the teen years sucked. And they seem to start earlier these days, somewhere around age 8. You're doing awesome in the parenting department.

February 17, 2008 1:40 PM  
Blogger booda baby opined...

I can't possibly read 30 comments, but I'm thinking of your little one and how early they have to face it: subscribe to what's honest to god bullshit or play along.

It shouldn't be like that. We say one thing, that we celebrate the individual and the individual's achievements and lovely personalities and THEN we go and make each other crazy getting measured by bullshit.

Poor thing. I wish I could hug her, too.

February 18, 2008 10:27 AM  
Blogger rosemary opined...

See, that's why I am a grandmother....I could have gotten her lunch and some ice cream, taken her out shopping and then lectured her and given her a hug and given her back to you!!

February 18, 2008 6:48 PM  

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