Monday, October 22, 2007

My Evil Plan

This has been in the works for thirteen years now and I'm happy to announce that it's ready to launch. I am going to ruin The Child's life. These are the steps by which I will endeavor to do this:

1) I will insist on honesty. Sneakiness, lying and omission of key information will be punished.

2) I will make her do her homework, make up missing assignments and study, EVERY DAY (bwahahaha) for her high school entrance exams. Not only will I make her do all this, I will not allow her to watch television, play on the computer or talk on the phone until she has done so.

3) I will feed her 3 healthy meals a day and allow her to snack on nothing but fruits, veggies and cheese.

4) Bedtime will be strictly enforced. I don't care if she decides that there is a project she simply must finish, a phone call that just has to be made or a television program that she'll just die if she doesn't watch.

5) Not only will I insist that she put away her clean laundry, I'm going to make sure she lays out her clothes for school. Every day.

6) I do not listen to her and I never understand. This is intentional.

7) Even though she is the only teenager in America without a cell phone, I will not give her one until she is in high school. It's not just that she doesn't need one, it's because I'm mean like that.

8) My guiding principle, in all of the above and anything not herein covered, is this: I'm the worst mother in the world. I do not want her to be happy. I do not want her to succeed. I don't care. I don't love her. Being unfair is my modus operendi. Everything I do, from chauffering her everywhere to demanding respect, is predicated on the simple fact that it is my job to make her life miserable and by God, I'm going to do it. Don't believe me? Just ask The Child. She'll back me up.

Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

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Blogger Kimberly Ann opined...

Can't wait to hear what you have in store for your evil lair and evil wardrobe to complement your evil plan. Just remember - No Capes!

October 22, 2007 10:31 AM  
Blogger Seattle Coffee Girl opined...

Good times.

October 22, 2007 10:42 AM  
Blogger Auld Hat opined...

Yeah SCG can say that now when her little pudgy toed youngin still thinks she's the bees knees. Just you wait 'enry 'iggins.
Poor Lorraine...only yesterday The Child was so sweet and adorable.

October 22, 2007 10:46 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Funny thing about that, Kimberly Ann, whenever I am working the plan I just magically turn into a witch. It's awesome!

SCG: Feel free to save this away for future reference. I know how you like to plan ahead.

October 22, 2007 10:47 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Interesting fact, Hat, she's still utterly adorable and charming to everyone else.

October 22, 2007 10:48 AM  
Blogger Seattle Coffee Girl opined...

And amen to that above...The Child is, indeed, utterly charming to everyone else. Particularly to me.

Yeah, Hat, I know you're right. I'm taking mental snapshots every single day because I know this won't last. Ugh.

Here's to The Child becoming The Teen.

October 22, 2007 10:53 AM  
Blogger TWISI opined...

You are heartless, I don't see how you live with yourself.

The child is so sweet and adorable, I just wish you could see what we all see!

October 22, 2007 11:03 AM  
Blogger Doralong opined...

Wow! I thought I had the market cornered on being the evil, arbitrary and generally unreasonable mother from hell..

And they are always charming and adorable to everyone else dear, because everyone else doesn't have to do the actually raising a viable human part of it.. It gets better, I swear it does. Till then, just keep the wine cellar well stocked and it'll all work out on the long run.

October 22, 2007 11:08 AM  
Blogger jp opined...

I have to take her side on this because I'm not related to you.

October 22, 2007 11:17 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Twisi, too true. It's amazing I can even sleep at night.

Ha, Doralong. Bow before the master! Arbitrary is my middle name!

You keep playing that card, dude, and I'll have no compunction about shipping her off to you!

October 22, 2007 11:22 AM  
Blogger Anne opined...

Hey, are The Child and The Daughter related? I sure feel like I've heard all that before. I guess we can share title of worst mom ever.

Drives me nuts when I walk into her room 20 mins after "lights out" and smell nail polish. Sheesh.

October 22, 2007 11:38 AM  
Blogger Nicole opined...

FINALLY. We've all known this for years, we've just been waiting for you to admit it. Did you tell her about the secret meetings mothers have with their friends to devise more secret plans and clever tricks to make our children miserable?

October 22, 2007 1:20 PM  
Blogger Buck opined...

I began laughing halfway through the very first sentence.

The Child is probably writing a parallel to "Mommie Dearest" instead of doing her homework, you know.

October 22, 2007 2:30 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Anne, if not related, they are no doubt members of the same secret order.

Nicole, (manical evil laugh) Just wait until I institute "Worst Mother in the World-the French Phase". (rubs hands in glee)

Buck: Bwahahahaha! NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!

October 22, 2007 2:50 PM  
Anonymous the neighbor opined...

This is why God invented alcohol and neighbors, not necessarily in that order.

October 22, 2007 3:29 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

A strange theology to some, yet it works for me!

October 22, 2007 3:30 PM  
Blogger Iwanski opined...

I'm glad to see the plan is in action. Next we figure out a way to ruin Christmas. And waterslides.

October 22, 2007 4:30 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Ah, you anticipate my goals, Iwanski. I also have designs Disneyland. Bwahahahaha.

October 22, 2007 4:44 PM  
Blogger Auld Hat opined...

I thought you might like to inform The Child that I went ahead and ordered that antique kid beater on e-bay that you were asking about in last nights "How To Be The Worst Mother In All The Land" secret meeting.
She can have a look at it here.

October 22, 2007 4:58 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Eeexcelent, Hat. That will go nicely with the choke collar and the cattle prod I picked up today at Target.

October 22, 2007 5:00 PM  
Blogger Sling opined...

..just remember,I'm the one that suggested backbreaking labor,and food deprivation!..
..I just wanted to be involved.

October 22, 2007 6:11 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Well, natch, Sling. What's an evil plan without wicked henchmen, huh?

October 22, 2007 6:16 PM  
Blogger Mom opined...

Congratulations are being a super mom. Not just anyone can be that mean.

October 22, 2007 6:50 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Thanks, Mom. I revel in my evil.

October 22, 2007 7:01 PM  
Blogger hello, my name is danny. opined...

damn your good at being evil!

can i send you my six foot, 190 lb., seventeen year old to deal with.

"utterly adorable and charming" went out the window the day he stood taller than me. and that was years ago. damn, i hate being short.

October 22, 2007 7:07 PM  
Blogger rosemary opined...

I'm glad you're not my mom....I'd be calling you names behind your back and every night before I went to bed on time and got a good grade and when I passed my HS entrance really are horrible.

October 22, 2007 7:11 PM  
Blogger Dana opined...

Your evil laugh is chilling, even after it's traveled across the country. A mastermind, that's what you are.

October 22, 2007 7:18 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Golly, Danny, thanks. And I'll take him, but only if I can make him do chores, go to church, make his bed and be home at a reasonable hour. Bwahahahahahaha!

I know I am, Rosie. Don'tcha just love it?

Dana, now I'm imagining my evil laugh echoing off the skyscrapers of Manhattan. BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Oh, that was fun!

October 22, 2007 7:49 PM  
Anonymous Syd opined...

Ever seen this?

October 22, 2007 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Syd opined...

(sorry, I though I'd made that a link...but I obviously don't know how...)

October 22, 2007 8:17 PM  
Blogger more cowbell opined...

Hey, this actually good news for all the other mothers - I can't wait to inform Teen Demon and Male Offspring that I, in fact, am not the worst mother in the world.

Actually, I've tried to convince them that their Grandmother is the worst mother in the world, on account of how she broke a cutting board on my tender teenage behind once upon a time. They, however, think I'm lying: "Grandma never even yells, no way would she break a cutting board on someone." What?!

Although, in the Child's defense, I have to say that we mothers, (like evil grandmothers) pull that same shit, acting all calm and reasonable in front of other people, turning into OCD banshees behind closed doors. Or is that just me ...

October 22, 2007 8:42 PM  
Blogger Sling opined...

I'm pretty sure that's just you cowbell..

October 22, 2007 8:52 PM  
Anonymous Auld Hat opined...

Syd link =

And yes, I'm wearing my fancy pants tonight.

October 22, 2007 9:07 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Thanks for trying, Syd. And thanks for helping her out, Miss Fancy Hat.

And yet, The Child declared me to be the worst mother in the world years ago and that title is mine, all mine. MINE, I tell you! Bwahahaha.

Sling makes me laugh.

CB, really? You act reasonably in front of other people? I never ever thought of that...

October 22, 2007 11:08 PM  
Anonymous Syd opined...

Thanks, Ms. "Fancy-Pants" Hat!

October 23, 2007 12:33 AM  
Blogger gina opined...

OMG. How do you look at yourself in the mirror every morning? You are so, so, SO awful! I'm surprised CPS isn't knocking on your door this very minute. When they do arrive, please don't tell them where I live. The Daughter STILL thinks I'm the meanest mom ever at times, but now she adds that I'm a terrible grandparent (don't spoil the grandkids enough), so I'm really in trouble.

Oh, and can you believe this - a mom of one of YS's friends, at Parents' Weekend, actually had the nerve to tell The Spouse and me, in front of YS no less, what a nice, polite, well-mannered, and helpful young man YS is. The audacity!

October 23, 2007 10:22 AM  
Blogger Citymouse opined...

sorry my daughter thinks your wrong... 'cause you make deep fried twinkies and I dont

October 23, 2007 5:44 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Trust me, Gina. I stopped looking myself in the mirror a long time ago. It's the only way I can stay focused on ruining The Child's life. And the nerve of those people...

There is that, Mouse, but what your daughter needs to understand is that I never make fried Twinkies for The Child. I only do it once a year. For other people. Because I don't love her.

October 24, 2007 7:19 AM  
Anonymous Robert Fulmer opined...

sounds like a plan i'll check with her on the next opportunity to determine the cegree of success you are having


October 24, 2007 7:14 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

You do that, Bob. It's important to the success of the plan that I have spies. If she ever starts singing my praises to you, you must inform me IMMEDIATELY so that I can readjust my plans.

October 25, 2007 9:53 AM  

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