A Tribute
This weekend we had the unpleasant and upsetting task of dealing with a woman who was being abused by her husband. (I shall spare you the details because it is not something I'm inclined to revisit. It's not good for my blood pressure). The ensuing converstation was reminiscent of every Oprah episode that ever treated the subject and the saddest bit of all is that the woman is clearly not yet ready to do what she has to do for herself and her children. But, as is so often the case, even bad experiences have their uses. It gave me ocassion to reflect on my own marriage and the man with whom I have shared almost 15 years.
There had been plenty of nights, prior to meeting The Spouse, when I cried myself to sleep, wondering if I would ever find someone who would have the courage to love me for who I was. And when I finally met him, he seemed like a gift from Heaven. (Because he was). By the time he came around, my lofty List of Things Which Comprise the Perfect Man was reduced to a handful of essential items. He had to be straight, spiritually inclined and care about food. He had to make me laugh. Everything else was pretty much negotiable. The Spouse filled all these requirements and then some.
The funny thing about marriage, of course, is that after years of longing and waiting, after being presented with the fulfillment of all one's hopes and desires, real life sets in. In the midst of earning a living and pursuing dreams (individual and collective), with the advent of children and the ever-present challenges of managing a home and money and social calendars, one sometimes forgets what is important. It can be easier to focus on the imperfections and annoying habits of the other person rather than to look at them full on and say, "Wow! There you are! I don't have to cry myself to sleep because you are here". I've been as guilty of that as anyone.
The thing that got me thinking this weekend wasn't so much the glimpse into an abusive marriage but The Spouse's response to it. As we talked with this woman it became crystal clear that The Spouse just didn't get it. He did not understand how in the world a man could ever lift a hand to a woman. That sort of violence (and the cowardice from which it springs) are absolutely foreign to him.
He and I both have very strong wills and it would be a lie to tell you that he and I have never argued. We have had some raging good ones in our time. We probably will again, although after this weekend I'd sure like to try to not. But even in the worst times, when we have been at bitter odds, full of anger and frustration, never once has he diminished me as a person. He's slammed a door or two (as have I) but he has never remotely come close to harming me, emotionally or physically. He is a good man. He is a very, very good man. And I feel inclined, out of my profound gratitude, to make a list of just some of the ways in which he manifests this goodness. These are presented in no particular order as every item is, in itself, reason enough to love him.
He makes me laugh a lot. Deep, crazy laughter. His humor spans the spectrum from the intelligently witty to the completely whimsical.
He comes home every night.
He is a good cook and he appreciates my cooking. He enjoys entertaining as much as I do.
When I am sick enough to take to my bed he takes the best kind of care of me, even when that means forcing me to take Robitussin.
He is a good father.
He is a good provider. Not only because he makes good money but because he has willingly assumed the responsibility of being sole breadwinner so that I could stay home with The Child and pursue my writing.
He is the most supportive and encouraging of all those who support & encourage my writing. Everything I ever publish will be dedicated to him and if I should ever have ocassion to accept an Academy Award I will not forget to thank him.
He's a good lookin' hunk of a man.
He acts like Mr. Tuffy McTufferson but he watches chick flicks with me and he cries when Beth dies in "Little Women".
He doesn't mind admitting that he cries when Beth dies. (In fact, it's shorthand. If he tears up in a movie I say, "Aw, honey, did Beth die?" And he still doesn't mind).
He's really, really smart.
He is Mr. Fix-it and has saved us, over the years, thousands and thousands of dollars in repair bills because he can do it himself. Which included doing all the finish work on our electrical system when we remodeled and our electrician turned out to be a flake.
He has really soft feet.
He has surprised me over the years with some very thoughtful and romantic gifts.
He would never leave me for Angelina Jolie.
He is a man of integrity. His word is his bond.
He is very creative.
He likes my family and is even warm and open to the ones that drive the rest of us crazy.
He is a man of deep, though quiet, faith.
And when it is all said and done, he is like the proverbial bottle of good wine that continues to improve and deepen with age. He is growing and maturing in ways that make him even better than the man I married.
He calls me "Fluffy". And "Pookie". And sometimes "Pookie Fluff".
And I'm going to stop now because by the time he's read this far I'll betcha Beth will have died.
I love you, Spouse. You're the best.
There had been plenty of nights, prior to meeting The Spouse, when I cried myself to sleep, wondering if I would ever find someone who would have the courage to love me for who I was. And when I finally met him, he seemed like a gift from Heaven. (Because he was). By the time he came around, my lofty List of Things Which Comprise the Perfect Man was reduced to a handful of essential items. He had to be straight, spiritually inclined and care about food. He had to make me laugh. Everything else was pretty much negotiable. The Spouse filled all these requirements and then some.
The funny thing about marriage, of course, is that after years of longing and waiting, after being presented with the fulfillment of all one's hopes and desires, real life sets in. In the midst of earning a living and pursuing dreams (individual and collective), with the advent of children and the ever-present challenges of managing a home and money and social calendars, one sometimes forgets what is important. It can be easier to focus on the imperfections and annoying habits of the other person rather than to look at them full on and say, "Wow! There you are! I don't have to cry myself to sleep because you are here". I've been as guilty of that as anyone.
The thing that got me thinking this weekend wasn't so much the glimpse into an abusive marriage but The Spouse's response to it. As we talked with this woman it became crystal clear that The Spouse just didn't get it. He did not understand how in the world a man could ever lift a hand to a woman. That sort of violence (and the cowardice from which it springs) are absolutely foreign to him.
He and I both have very strong wills and it would be a lie to tell you that he and I have never argued. We have had some raging good ones in our time. We probably will again, although after this weekend I'd sure like to try to not. But even in the worst times, when we have been at bitter odds, full of anger and frustration, never once has he diminished me as a person. He's slammed a door or two (as have I) but he has never remotely come close to harming me, emotionally or physically. He is a good man. He is a very, very good man. And I feel inclined, out of my profound gratitude, to make a list of just some of the ways in which he manifests this goodness. These are presented in no particular order as every item is, in itself, reason enough to love him.
He makes me laugh a lot. Deep, crazy laughter. His humor spans the spectrum from the intelligently witty to the completely whimsical.
He comes home every night.
He is a good cook and he appreciates my cooking. He enjoys entertaining as much as I do.
When I am sick enough to take to my bed he takes the best kind of care of me, even when that means forcing me to take Robitussin.
He is a good father.
He is a good provider. Not only because he makes good money but because he has willingly assumed the responsibility of being sole breadwinner so that I could stay home with The Child and pursue my writing.
He is the most supportive and encouraging of all those who support & encourage my writing. Everything I ever publish will be dedicated to him and if I should ever have ocassion to accept an Academy Award I will not forget to thank him.
He's a good lookin' hunk of a man.
He acts like Mr. Tuffy McTufferson but he watches chick flicks with me and he cries when Beth dies in "Little Women".
He doesn't mind admitting that he cries when Beth dies. (In fact, it's shorthand. If he tears up in a movie I say, "Aw, honey, did Beth die?" And he still doesn't mind).
He's really, really smart.
He is Mr. Fix-it and has saved us, over the years, thousands and thousands of dollars in repair bills because he can do it himself. Which included doing all the finish work on our electrical system when we remodeled and our electrician turned out to be a flake.
He has really soft feet.
He has surprised me over the years with some very thoughtful and romantic gifts.
He would never leave me for Angelina Jolie.
He is a man of integrity. His word is his bond.
He is very creative.
He likes my family and is even warm and open to the ones that drive the rest of us crazy.
He is a man of deep, though quiet, faith.
And when it is all said and done, he is like the proverbial bottle of good wine that continues to improve and deepen with age. He is growing and maturing in ways that make him even better than the man I married.
He calls me "Fluffy". And "Pookie". And sometimes "Pookie Fluff".
And I'm going to stop now because by the time he's read this far I'll betcha Beth will have died.
I love you, Spouse. You're the best.
cobbled together by Moi at 9:43 AM
20 Comments:
Charlie, When I become Mrs. Steve Martin I'll make sure to pass him on to you. That would make me feel better about leaving such a fine man. (Who also isn't at all threatened by my wanting to be Mrs. Steve Martin. Almost like he doesn't see it as much of a risk).
I suspect his list of reasons WHY he would never leave you for Angelina Jolie is even longer. Even though "1. She's Angelina Jolie" is really all the reason anyone needs.
What's even cooler is that without you writing this, I think the rest of us already knew that stuff. Or could have guessed quite easily. Good catch.
JP, Aww, shucks. And yeah, y'all probably could have figured it out by now but sometimes it's good to say things out loud. Especially when there's no special ocassion to bring it up but just because.
You both rock.
Rock. Totally.
What is more, his mother-in-law agrees with your list and has a lengthy list of her own.
One in a bazillion he is.
But in all fairness, his wife is pretty nifty too.
Thanks, Iwanski. That means a lot coming from someone who is married to and adores the inimitable Miss Healthypants.
Dame Judy, He is rather fond of his mother-in-law, too. It's a radical concept, but he's always been on the cutting edge. As to the other, I think you may be a smidge biased.
Your mom reads this? Does she know about the Vanity Fair layout? I think you ought be grounded.
does the spouse have an available brother?
Wow, what a tribute. If only he wasn't already taken...:)
I really ought to meet this guy
The very last line was sheer genius! I'm coming to live with you tomorrow!! WOW!! I'm excited for THE conversation we've tried to get to for years... okay maybe not years but I like using hyperboles!
JP, She knows about it now. But let's not tell her about Playboy.
Edy, Sadly, the only brother is not available. However, I could clone The Spouse. A prototype should be ready in about 6 months.
Grish, Get in line behind Charlie.
Eric, You really ought to. I think you'd like him.
Mols, Can't wait for our time together. It's going to be fab! Cute avatar btw.
THAT was poetry lorraine....sniff,..I think "Old Yeller" just died.
Sling, you're a big ol' softy.
Very nice, Lorraine. It does my heart good to hear sincere words of praise for a spouse when so often we hear negatives only (guilty). Thanks, as always for sharing...
Grish, you may stay in line but please back away from Charlie. Thank you.
Greeny, it just seems like the universe needs a little positive energy going out right now.
what a wonderfully written post.it actually inspired me to write a loveletter to my husband.thank you.
Good for you, Abi. We need to tell them how wonderful they are every once in a while. Might even make them more inclined to pick up their dirty socks once in a while. Thanks for stopping by.
Steve Martin doesn't deserve you. I'm glad you're with Tuffy.
Oh, I don't know, Jon. I think Steve deserves me. But for now The Spouse deserves me more. Or something like that.
Rachael, He agrees with me that Angie is a skank. But he says he has every intention of leaving me for a celebrity. She just hasn't been born yet.
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