Marital Advice for The Bride

I received an email from The Bride the other day, requesting a blog post of marital advice. I found this somewhat amusing. She knows The Spouse and I very well, both as individuals and as a couple. You'd think she would know that there are better people out there to give her tips for a successful marriage. Not that ours sucks, or anything, because it doesn't, but I don't necessarily think of our marriage as a fabulous model. It's still very much a work in progress. Which, now that I think of it, is what any decent marriage is. So what the hey, I'll give her some advice:

1) Think of marriage as a journey over peaks and through valleys. You're on the peak right now, all glowy and excited and deeply, deeply in love. Which is as it should be. And you will feel that way many, many times in the coming years. There will, however, be times and circumstances when one of you will look at the other and think, "What was I thinking?" (I know, it is impossible to believe right now). There will be challenges and stresses. That's why the marriage vows include "sickness" and "poorer" along with all the health and riches. How you weather the valleys will determine the qualitative experience of the peaks. Just know that when you're in the valley it won't be forever. You will come out of it and when you do you will be just as in love and just as close, if not more so.

2) News flash: All that language of two becoming one makes for some real nice poetry but it also manages to create the false impression that you can read each other’s mind. You can’t. You never will. Never. If he leaves drawers and cupboards open everywhere he goes and it bugs the crap out of you, best to tell him, gently of course. Because he’s never going to know that it bugs you just because you roll your eyes and make exaggerated breaths as you close them up behind him. (Same goes for you, Prince. The Bride loves you beyond all reason but she's never going to understand the inner workings of your mind unless you explain it to her. Go ahead, bust a move. Tell the wifey what you're thinking. It's not necessarily a "guy thing" to do but it won't kill you.)

3) Each of you care about being the best you can be and growing as individuals and as a couple. And that’s good. But when you get married you are pledging to love this other person forever, and you should make that pledge with the assumption that the other is never going to change. You have to accept each other as you are, in this moment. If there is something that bugs you today, it'll bug you tomorrow and you can't expect that tic or trait to disappear just because you got married. In fact, marriage is one of the great breeding grounds for tics and traits. So be gentle and accepting of each other because "perfection" is a dirty word.

4) When marriages go off the rails the focus tends to be on big things like infidelity (I'm talking to you, Brad) or the ever popular "irreconcilable differences”. But I’m convinced that most marriages go foul because of little daily inattentions: being selfish in countless little ways, taking for granted each other’s contributions or worse, valuing your contribution above that of the other, assuming the other should know what you are thinking or feeling or worrying about without making any effort to communicate that. Marriages, in the end, fail because of neglect of one kind or another. (And if it is a risk at all, it is never more so than when the babies start coming).

So make sure that when you are in the same room you bother to notice each other. Look at each other when you speak. Tell your story for the day and then ask for your partner's story. And listen to the answer. Kiss each other every day. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath. (Ok, we actually have never practiced this but I can tell you that it really sucks to fight before bedtime and then not make up until the next day or the day after or whatever. Don’t do that). When you feel yourselves sliding into the benign neglect of treating each other more like room-mates than spouses it is time for a long week-end away, just the two of you.

5) Make time for yourselves. Great. I go on and on about focusing on each other and now I'm telling you to do the opposite. Not. But you know this already, Bride. You aren't going to be any good for him if you aren't taking care of yourself. And the sad fact is, you're the one who needs this advice more than he does. Men, it seems, do a much better job of instinctively knowing when they need time to decompress over a beer with a buddy or zone out in front of the SciFi channel or whatever. We women, though, start feeling guilty about "time for ourselves" because there's the house or the husband or the kids who need something and that becomes more important. Well, it isn't. And I had to learn that the hard way.

When The Child was born I had friends to help me, people who invited me out to do things, but I deferred more often than I went. At the time I thought that proved what a devoted mother I was but in the process I almost completely forgot how to take care of myself. This had the effect of creating a martyr complex that wasn't pretty. I still hadn't got a handle on it when The Spouse went off to Philadelphia for that 6 week gig that became 6 months. Now, I don't recommend a family being on separate coasts for any length of time. It isn't conducive to, well, to much of anything except paying the mortgage. But if I had developed the skill of asking for help and caring for myself it would have mitigated at least some of the damage. So don't do that. You need "me" time and you will need more, not less of it, when Prince Jr. and his sibs arrive. So practise now.

6) You can be happily married to and love someone who has interests different than your own. Just make sure you nurture the things you share in common as well. You might want to keep up with the dance lessons.

7) Pray together. Pray for each other. Every day.

And here's a little pre-marital bonus for you:

15 years ago tonight I almost called off our wedding. The Spouse and I had a date to get together to discuss final wedding details. He was out with some buddies and was supposed to come over around 8. Well, "Murphy Brown" came and went and he showed up somewhere around 9:30. And I fracking lost it. I was screaming at him in a voice not my own, lambasting his lack of consideration, motivation, whatever. Who remembers what the frack I said. I do remember (and I'm not making this up) standing outside myself, watching me freak out all over the poor guy and unable to shut myself up. The Spouse just stood there, looking at me with a kind of odd horror, then said, "I think I'll go now". I screamed, "If you walk out that door the wedding is OFF!!!!"

I'm so damn lucky that somehow he realized that I had been seized by a demon. He exorcised it by taking me in his arms and telling me everything was going to be fine. It was the one and only time Bridezilla made an appearance during our courtship but golly, what ridiculous (though predictable) timing. And that was when I realized, what I've already told you but it bears repeating: your wedding day is a very important day (NOT, I hasten to add, the most important of your life because that would be fracking sad, wouldn't it?). You have spent a lot of time, effort and money to make this day reflective of not only your style but also, I think, the sort of marriage you anticipate having. But stressing over the details to the point of screaming at the man you love is NOT worth it.

There are 3 things you need for Saturday to be perfect: you have to show up, the Prince has to show up, Father R has to show up. That's it. All the rest of it, all the beautiful music and dresses and food and flowers and candles and super fantastically clad mothers of the junior bridesmaids are not what makes a marriage. That's the two of you. And when all the trappings are bundled up and put away, you will still have each other, til death do you part. Nothing matters more than that. Ever.

So if you start stressing this week, you call me instead of taking it out on him, ok? It's why I'm here.

God bless you both, always and forever.