Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Here's the Thing

Sometimes I just can't believe that she's gone.

And I swear to you, sometimes I also can't believe that this is still gripping me like it is.

Because the fact is, as I have probably already mentioned, it's not like she was in my life for that long. Because if you leave out the first meeting and the annual Christmas Eve "Hi, how are ya's", we're talking less than 2 years. I made a list. Did I already tell you this? I made a list of all the times we were together from the time when it was clear we were going to actually be friends. And out of the 20 or so times on that list (I'm not kidding you...20 times or so) there were even fewer that were just her and me. And then she frakkin' died and I will NEVER get to talk to her again, or read her insightful blog posts or FB status updates (seriously...the silence from her now non-existent FB page is deafening) or hold her in my arms.

I didn't actually hold her in my arms that much, either. She wasn't a hugger in the way I am. She hugged, mind you, but not in the impulsive, "hi, I just met you but I'm pretty sure I love you" golden retriever way that I hug. And the last time I hugged her was in the doorway of my house. And she felt so fragile and small. I hugged her gently because it felt like she would break. And only a few weeks later she did.

I swear, I am still trying to figure out why there is this giant hole in my heart where Suzanne used to be. Because on the face of it, this shouldn't be so hard. I mean, omg, if this is what losing Sooz is like, I am waaaaay ill-equipped to lose any of the people with whom I have so much more history.

Sometimes I think it's just because of the baby - who I love and who I promised to always be there for and who is never going to know the mom who was so amazing and loved her so much. The baby who sometimes calls me "mama" because it's what babies do but whenever she does it just kills me because I am so not her mama. And more to the point, the kid isn't even going to remember her mama. And that breaks my heart. Because Sooz was the sort of woman who should be remembered. Especially by the baby she loved so damn much.

And sometimes I think it's just because of Peter...who I once loved and who is now back in my life in a whole new way and also in a very old and comfortable way...and thinking of the young boy I first knew and how just, well, WRONG it is that he should be a widower.

And then there are times when I know that I'm sad just for me. For what ain't never gonna be. I got this sliver of a glimpse at what friendship with her looked like and it's gone and I'll never know the comfort of it.

Mourning is a very selfish thing. I already figured that out. But, apparently, I'm not through with it yet.


Blogger sfoofie opined...

"Mourning is a very selfish thing. I already figured that out. But, apparently, I'm not through with it yet." so true. I feel selfish, but then those flood of memories and sadness invade. mourning is a process. Beautiful post Rainey - cuz it is somewhat what I'm going through with losing my grandma lately. Touched my heart this morning.

September 29, 2010 4:52 AM  
Blogger Mom opined...

The hard thing is that you really never get over the mourning process, you just learn to live with a hole in your heart.
Love that little baby and tell her over and over all the funny, wonderful things you know about her mama. She will delight in knowing every detail. She won't mourn as you do, but she will want to know who her mother was. Her life will be wonderful and full of love.

September 29, 2010 6:58 AM  
Blogger Miss Healthypants opined...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Rainey. Lots of love being sent your way!!

September 29, 2010 10:38 AM  
Blogger Edy opined...

I think that the older we get, or the more experience we acquire, the more we are able to understand that our reactions are usually never about the "one" thing, no matter how impactful. Your soul is rolling back through all the past losses and forward to all those you fear. You seem to be doing well at identifying some of those.

September 30, 2010 6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

P, L, H & BTs

Peace, love, harmony and beautiful thoughts.



October 01, 2010 12:07 AM  
Blogger Anne opined...

Consider yourself hugged, then given a warm cup of coffee and a piece of pie.
We love you, Rainy, sorry you're having a hard time.

October 01, 2010 5:42 AM  
Blogger Caitlin opined...

I feel just like that in regards
to Susan. Dearest of dear
friends no longer here, though
the reminders are countless.

Thinking of you!

October 02, 2010 8:24 AM  
Blogger Doralong opined...

Oh Sugar, it's a work around, really. The hole never goes away, but in time it becomes a bit less deep, a bit less wide. As one who has experienced a fair share of loss, you'll just have to trust Cuz on this one...

Doesn't make it easier. It in no way changes the process. It simply is what it is. And does the number of times you've had actual face time with someone really matter if you really connected with that person? Look at the two of us :)

Let it take it's course dear.

October 02, 2010 7:46 PM  
Blogger Moo G Clips opined...

lots of hugs. you write so beautifully. I agree with what "Mom" said. perfectly said.

October 06, 2010 2:36 PM  
Blogger Julia opined...

This comment has been removed by the author.

October 26, 2010 8:17 AM  
Blogger Julia opined...

It will grip you for a long time, this I know. People say it gets better, it doesn't, but it does gets different. Selfish? I don't think so, it is God given, so perhaps it is a gift for those of us left that as we grieve the loss, we will learn to love better the living. Love you Sister-Face

October 26, 2010 8:19 AM  
Blogger Pamelamama opined...

:( sigh.

December 14, 2010 8:40 PM  
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