Project Runway Returns and I Procratinate

Good golly, says you. We've been tapping this link for days, anticipating your recap of the premiere episode of Season 8 (8!) of "Project Runway". Where have you been??????

Sorry. Been a little preoccupied with personal matters and, well, if the truth be told, I really hate recapping the first episode of a season because I don't know who anyone is and I can't keep them straight and I already find myself anticipating the elimination of the first dozen of them so we can get down to the real business of snarkifying and betting.

So, YAY! Season 8. Thankfully (and despite rumors to the contrary) we are still in NYC. The Project Runway Posse (Moochie, MAB, Nurse Jacquie, The Neighbor and Moi) gathered in the Club Room of MAB's superfantastic chic downtown apartment building to watch on the big screen. And right before it began we all sang "Happy Birthday" to Tim Gunn, complete with harmonies. Which is more than my dad - who shares The Gunn's birthday - got. That's what Daddy gets for not hanging out with Heidi Klum.

Speaking of Heidi, as the show begins Moochie notes that she is NOT with child.

Now, as you know, the first episode is always devoted to a whole lot of introductions and after 8 seasons the producers decided to try something new which, provided "something new" doesn't involve LA or leaving Nina and Kors off the judges panel, they are more than welcome to do. But I wasn't really smitten with the changes. First Heidi & Tim engage in some non-informational banter about their impressions of the new challengers and then the designers give brief bios of themselves as little knots of them meet up in train stations and on the street. The sketches and stories all ran together and I don't even remember half of them.

The strongest impressions - for good or ill -were:

Casanova from Puerto Rico who seems like a cliche from an SNL sketch and looks like the dude who played "Hell Boy". MAB won't look at him for fear of turning to stone.

Sarah looks like the love child of Annie Lennox & Pink. We like her sketches. A lot.

Peach, the self-described "old lady" designer, has a fun personality and we like her but given that we are all her age or older, she needs to lay off the "old lady" crap.

McKell has dreads, tats and is from, of all places, Utah. She also has a 9 month old baby who isn't with her, of course, but back home. Poor little abandoned baby.

Kristin allows mistakes to become part of her design and gives us the season's first catch phrase: "embrace the crooked zipper".

Mondo aptly describes himself as "a little strange". He looks like the offspring of Clint Howard and the Beav.

Nicholas is Clinton Kelly's weirder, gayer twin.

Gretchen is this season's token boho hippie chick. "She sews with hemp," observes The Neighbor.

Michael already thinks he's a big deal so we don't like him.

And we'll leave it there for now.

There are still too many designers for the competition so the first challenge is going to be the final phase of the audition. Heidi instructs the designers to pull one item from their suitcase to use as inspiration. Everyone very carefully selects a garment and then Heidi, who loves the twist, tells them to pass the item to the designer on their left. OUCH! Casanova - argh! don't look straight at him! - has a kitten since he selected $1,000 Dolce & Gabana trousers. Shoulda brought some Dockers, Casanova.

The designers have 5 mere hours to create and because time is at a premium, Mood comes to them. Thank you, Mood.

There is token bitching about the quality and type of garments each has been given, Peach has no blood in her head and they get to work.

The Gunn's Walk Around

McKell is feeling "frazzled" but Tim thinks what she's doing is adorable. So do we.

Nicholas has started out with a polyester jacket and Tim tells him his work is "provocative" and "potentially very good".

When asked, Casanova tells Tim he is "good" but he's not convincing, which probably owes to the very ugly mess on his mannequin. Tim queries, "Is it sexy or is it vulgar?" (The correct answer is "vulgar").

April has turned a tuxedo jacket inside out and The Gunn scowls at her lack of vision or finished product.

Gretchen, in contract, discourses eloquently on her "process" and the "essence" of the piece. Tim appreciates her thoughtfulness and says he's "completely with her".

Peach is freaking over the very tenuous nature of the red wispy stuff she has inherited, which unravels when you look at it. Tim makes some artful suggestions.

Mondo is constructing something from grandma's sofa cover and Tim tells him it needs to be "more youthful".

It's time for dressing our pre-selected models and thoughtfully using the Piperlime Accessory Wall. Jason is distracted by his model's boobs. Because she has them. Peach dithers about her model's hair while Casanova forcefully describes the hair style he wants. To the make up guy. Kristin forgets her model in the hair room and has only time to instruct make-up to give her "bold, red lips".

Hi Guys: The Judging

Nina and Kors are joined by the cutely squishy faced Selma Blair.

Considering that the designers only had 5 hours, which is an absolutely ridiculous amount of time, there are quite a few looks that we find ever so pleasing, including those by Peach, McKell, Andy, & Kristin. But there is a whole lotta "eeewww" and "ho hum" from our Posse as well. We particularly do not enjoy Sarah & Michael. Gretchen has made a plain black dress with floppy sparkly caplet sleeves to which MAB responds, "It's bad". It is not, however, as bad as the mess Jason has sent down, which looks exactly like the gown I don at Gene Juarez when I get my hair did, only the gowns at Gene Juarez aren't stapled together and falling apart at the seams like that mess.

Casanova sends down one of the worst things we've ever seen. "No," Nurse Jacquie firmly says, "It is THE worst thing we've ever seen". It's so bad that the camera lingers on Nina making a classic "oh, no you didn't" face.

The designers all line up and Heidi declares that there is a unanimous winner. Gretchen! Say what? We look at each other in astonishment and MAB buries her head in her little tiny hands and moans, "Gonna be another season where I just. don't. get. it". The Neighbor consoles her by opining that Gretchen must have gotten the judges high first.

While we pick up the pieces of our shattered expectations, Heidi declares that none of the remnants should feel safe and MAB notes that they are all looking at Casanova and thinking, "Oh, no. I'm safe".

Highlights of the judging:

Ivy had to defend turning toile capri pants into, uh, pants. Heidi said Jason's "creation" looked like "my hair dressing cape" (what did I say?) and told April that she wasn't sure the shredded look of her garment was "intentional" then added the dreaded "it's a hot mess". Kors said he likes deconstruction, as long as one knows the designer can also construct. Nina just dismissed the whole thing as something to be worn by "an '80's street walker".

Nina liked the mix of fabrics McKell used but dissed the styling, including the pink bag the model was carrying which, btw, was just exactly like bags that MAB and I have (different colors but exactly the same bag) which ellicit compliments EVERY time we carry them so "pft" to you, Nina.

Nicholas nearly cries.

Kors had a plethora of Korisms to describe Casanova's disaster, chief of them being "She looks like a pole dancer in Dubai". Nina called it "fascinatingly bad" (think road kill....it's horrible but you can't help looking). Selma "loved and loathed" the look. Which is a big "uh oh" because their grudging horror is pretty much a guarantee that Casanova is going to survive this round so he can be horrible yet again. And MAB still has to avert her eyes.

Sure enough, he survives, as does everyone but poor little tattooed, dreaded up McKell. Which we think is just appalling under the circumstances because she at least created something that a human being on Planet Earth would actually wear. And The Gunn agreed, telling her that he stood by his earlier statement that the dress was adorable. It's only fault, apparently, was that it didn't fit the model well. Which is still no excuse for some of the piss poor work that survived and may I also add that while we all understand the penchant for reality TV producers to find the "personalities" that will keep people returning week after week, if the best they've got this season are the likes of Mondo and Casanova, well, that will just be sad. Almost makes me miss freaking Santino.