"I Don't Even Want to Quit You, Oscar".

For the second or third year running, I will be watching the Oscars having not seen a single film nominated in a major category. Not even "Wallace and Grommit". Unless Harry Potter 4 is in the "Best Movie Franchise Ever" category, my familiarity with any of the honored films is based on how often I saw commercials for it during "Gilmore girls".

I love the movies, I just don't go to the theater that much anymore. We operate by a "big screen" methodology and frankly, the screen at home and the surround-sound that go with it has begun to seriously cut into what we consider a "big screen film". Briefly, though, explosions are usually involved, Colin Firth is not. I don't have to be the first one on the block to see a film and am almost always content to wait until it comes out on DVD. Which it will soon enough. And that is why God created Netflix.

Much pre-Oscar jabbering can be summed up thusly: movie theater attendance is down, none of the nominated films were "blockbusters" (because merely recouping production costs and turning a profit isn't a real "success" by Hollywood standards) and the big pictures this year are all super political. Which surprises me as I don't think of Johnny and June Cash as activists. Guess I'll understand when I finally see "Walk the Line". Oh, and because of all this and other related conditions, no one is going to watch the Oscars tonight.

But I'll be there. I love Oscar night. I will manage to get excited even though I have no feelings whatsoever about any of the films. We will have the veggie tortilla lasagna I make every year (not glamorous but really yummy). I will fill out the ballot in the newspaper, as will The Spouse, and at some point this evening I will be in the bathroom privately delivering my own Oscar speech to the mirror.

I did a little acting: student body plays from 3rd through 8th grade, chorus for "Finian's Rainbow" freshman year of high school. And junior year I played Annie, the nervous maid in "Life with Father". Not to brag but I owned that part and when, at the end of the year Thespian Troupe 827 held it's annual awards, I walked away with Best Supporting Actress. In college I dated a guy in the drama department.

So I have had occasion to compose my Oscar speech and I know most of you have one, too. In recent years mine has to do with an original or adapted screenplay and I share the honor with Emma Thompson. How this happens, since I don't write fiction or know Emma Thompson, is not the point. Wearing a fabulous gown and remembering to thank The Spouse while trying not to cry, is.

The other buzz tonight is about Jon Stewart as emcee. Do I think he can handle the switch from satiric political commentary to hosting Hollywood's biggest night? Maybe. Will he look fabulous in a tux? Absolutely.

So here are my purely subjectives picks for Oscars:

Best Picture: "Brokeback Mountain"
I just love a good Western.

Best Direction: Ang Lee.
Although to be honest with you, "Sense and Sensibility" put me to sleep (and that's saying something for a Jane Austin fan) so maybe I have to rethink this.

Leading Actor: Heath Ledger.
I've heard that Philip Seymour Hoffman is amazing as Truman Capote but here's the thing: I think there should be two acting categories: one for playing a known character and one for creating a character. Because I don't really think they are the same thing. And I loved Heath in "A Knight's Tale". Where he also kisses a man on the mouth. I'm just saying.

Supporting Actor: George Clooney.
Because I heart him.

Leading Actress: Reese Witherspoon.
Because she is just a cutie patootie and I heart her, too. Also, because Judi Dench seems to get Oscars thrown at her just for showing up at the makeup trailer and I grow weary of that. Not her. Love her. But sheesh, let someone else win for a change.

Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz.
Because a) she's a cutie patootie and 2) I think her character was supposed to be romantically involved with Ralph Fiennes' character and having to kiss Ralph Fiennes and act like you mean it would take serious acting chops.

Oh, joy. I was just reviewing all the categories. "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" was nominated for Costume Design and "Revenge of the Sith" for Make-up. HA! I've seen those.