Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Someday I'll Write a Post That Will Be Nothing But Parenthetical Statements

As you know, The Spouse and I have a running joke about Steve Martin being my second husband. (It's not a joke. If Steve Martin showed up at the door right now I'd grab my tiara and leave a note. I guess the joke is in the fact that Steve Martin isn't going to be showing up at my door). But this is an equal opportunity marriage. The Spouse too gets to pick a new partner. But it turns out that whereas I have pledged my undying love for Steve Martin for over 30 years now, The Spouse is motivated by a more flexible standard.

We'll be watching a movie with, say, Zoey Deschanel, and he'll say, "She's going to be The Child's new mommy". (When she was little that would make The Child cry. Now she says, "Sweet!") For quite a while there Sandra Bullock was the new mommy of choice but apparently he's got an age limit.

Last night we were (ironically) watching "How I Met Your Mother" (which, btw, included a classic Doogie Howser reference and that they've waited this long to do so shows remarkable restraint). I asked if Alyson Hannigan was going to be The Child's new mommy and he replied, "Naw. She's getting a little long in the tooth".

"But she's America's sweetheart. And besides, I want to know that the new mommy will be nice to The Child".

"Oh, that doesn't matter," he replied. "You're taking The Child with you".

Boy, was he disappointed to learn that the whole premise of the "new mommy" thing implies at least shared custody.

Remember that time The Spouse came to me and sweetly asked, "Honey, where do we keep the German chocolate cake?" That question has haunted me for months. In the first place, he claims not to be a huge fan of cake. We had apple pie at our wedding reception, that's how much he is not a fan of cake. I was sure he was joking but at least once a week now he says something about German chocolate cake.

I finally decided to make him one. Got a mix and everything. The Child actually baked it. It's been sitting on the cake plate for four days because I haven't frosted it yet. And why, you ask? Because, you, I was looking up recipes for German chocolate cake icing and, as I suspected, coconut is a major player.

Well, says you, that just sounds yummy. Coconut is awesome! Remember that gorgeous triple coconut cream pie you had for Easter and ate for breakfast for 3 mornings straight, you fat tub?

That was not kind, says me, but yes, I remember. And I also remember that The Spouse didn't eat a lick of the pie and when I asked him why not he replied, "Really not a fan of the coconut".

What? 16 years of marriage or whatever it is and I didn't know this about him? He eats Thai food, which by law requires coconut milk. I'm pretty sure I've seen him eat a Mounds bar. (Or was it an Almond Joy?) I know he doesn't care for macaroons but that's just a small character flaw. But if he is, in fact, not a fan of the coconut then what does he think belongs on top of a German chocolate cake? I sure wasn't going to commit if it meant the thing was going to sit and molder on the counter.

So last night, after we settled the whole "new mommy" thing, I asked if he was aware that German chocolate cake icing involves coconut. "Oh, yeah".

"But you don't like coconut".

"Context is everything," he said.

Oh look! Here in the dictionary, next to the word "fickle":



Blogger rosemary opined...

The coconut thing is male genetics in action....Steve doesn't like the coconut either, but if I get an Mounds or if I feel like a nut...an Almond Joy, he wants to know if I am sharing my snack...ummhum. With no kids left at home the understanding is that when Jackson comes to get me he will have a big fat check in his hand made out to....Steve. Steve keeps the pets too....he will hire a nanny for them with his alimony.

April 01, 2008 11:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

That Doogie Howser reference last night gave me a laugh-out-loud moment. The rest of the show, meh.

April 01, 2008 12:16 PM  
Blogger Dame Judi opined...

I do hope with that spouse exchange thing, THE Spouse will keep in touch with the former Mother-in-law.

He's still such a cutie!
And talented!

April 01, 2008 12:38 PM  
Blogger Doralong opined...

You realize they do these things solely to drive us crazy, don't you??

And the Beast knows that the day Antonio gets rid of that tacky broad, wises up and comes looking for me that I am sooo gone!

April 01, 2008 2:19 PM  
Anonymous Syd opined...

I, too, liked German chocolate cake...right up until the time Mom got out the coconut for the frosting, at which point the loathing returned.

And we love the parenthetical statements. ;)

April 01, 2008 4:29 PM  
Blogger Sling opined...

So,you're saying Alyson is still up for grabs?..
Now I have to tell you a story.
LK's mom somehow got the impression that German chocolate cake is my favotite,and makes one for me from time to time.
I don't hate it,but it's way down on my list because you see,I'm not a big fan of coconut.
Still,it's the thought that counts,so I don't have the heart to tell her I'd rather have lemon meringue pie.
The End.

April 01, 2008 5:16 PM  
Blogger booda baby opined...

What a great tribute. Or whatever it is when you write a whole very funny post about that Spouse o' yours. Wouldn't it be nice if he wanted a woman of ... um ... substance for the Child? Someone like that woman who chased ghosts out of suburbia and now does voice over work for PBS shows? No. I'm confusing tiny, wizened women.

Well. It'd be nice.

I hate German chocolate cake. It has coconut. A good cake, gone to hell for no good reason.

April 01, 2008 5:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Hilarious, Lorrainey! This post really made me laugh. I have a similar taste/distaste for coconut as the Spouse--I do like the taste of coconut, but not the texture--so I love coconut milk--but Mounds bars, not so much.

Also, unlike JP, I thought that the whole show last night was hilarious--I loved the "March madness" brackets to sort out Barney's most angry ladyfriends. And the Doogie Howser reference made me laugh out loud, as well.


MHP :)

April 01, 2008 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Ba Ha Ha Ha (Note no W)

Am quite sure that if you wrote one that was all parenthitical statrements it would be funny.

Ah yes, back to mother nature!!!
Oh well. The next generation needs a challenge or 2 left over from our perfected philosophies.



April 01, 2008 7:56 PM  
Blogger Willym opined...

Obviously in a minority here - love coconut (fresh grated coconut is wonderful as is Vietnamese coconut candy) so you can make a German Chocolate Cake for me anytime. In fact when he trades you in for some worthless piece of fluff (who will make his life miserable)you just bring yourself over here (with the Child) and you can bake German Chocolate Cakes to your hearts content. And the only thing worse than parenthetical statmetns is the dreaded dash - which some people who remain nameless (like many of their children) - over use.

April 02, 2008 5:44 AM  
Blogger Eric opined...

In order to set the record straight the whole new mommy thing stemmed from this Onion Article. I found it amusing. The truth be told the current mommy has all the substance and personality any man could want in his life and for that I am thankfull.

April 02, 2008 8:05 AM  
Blogger greeny opined...

Cracked up once again, Lorraine.

I once asked for German Chocolate cake for my birthday. And now I get a bakery Fantastical coconut creme ckae (3 layers of heaven). I'm down with the coconut.

April 02, 2008 9:53 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Gotta love the accomodating spouses what, Rosie? Makes you forgive the whole coconut thing.

Oh, come on JP, the March Madness brackets? That was comic genius right there.

I'm sure he will, DJ. He knows where you keep the toffee.

Another accomodating spouse! Good for him, Cuz. (But aren't you way taller than Antonio? Isn't everyone way taller than Antonio?)

(No coconut in Syd's cake. Check).

Sling, yes, Aly is all yours. I'll make lemon whatsit pie for the reception.

Yeah, Booda, I was hoping the "new mommy" would have some basic "new mommy" features. But what are you gonna do?

See, JP? MHP got it. You do have your issues around mouth feel and temperature, don'tcha MHP?

I'll try it sometime, Anonyba. And maybe throw in some run-on sentences just for fun.

THAT, Willym dear, is a deal. Also far more likely than the whole Steve Martin scenario. (You still going to be in Roma in the summer of '09)?

Awww, that was sweet, honey. You forgot to mention that I'm way hot.

Ooooh, Greeny, coconut cake? I'm bringing a fork...

April 02, 2008 12:57 PM  
Blogger Willym opined...

Sounds like someone (who will remain nameless but it starts with E) is feeling quilty about being caught out in blogdom as a possible serial biagmist!

April 03, 2008 12:26 AM  
Blogger Willym opined...

Sorry I meant to add we'll be here until Summer 2011 - God and the Government of Canada willing...

April 04, 2008 12:05 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Willym, if he were operating out of guilt he would have remembered to say that I'm hot.

And God and the government better keep willing. I have plans.

April 04, 2008 6:25 AM  

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