Things I Don't Do Anymore
1) Delude myself into thinking that the week before school starts I will get The Child (and myself) back on a "school night" schedule or likewise, kid myself into thinking that the return to school will signal a return to "normal".
School starts on Tuesday. Preparations have been made. The Child has all her school supplies, the necessary bits for her uniform and has read all her summer books. I have scheduled the annual Bloody Marys with ChouChou. That's as ready as we're gonna get. It's probably as ready as we need to get.
There is a smidge of trouble on the horizon, a teeny cloud that could either blow right off or gather into a bank of thundering trouble. The Child has 3 reports to write. She could have been done with at least 2 of them by now but she's been more or less left to her own devises for the last 3 weeks and let's just say that she's not made writing a priority. I do not judge her for her procrastination for lo, she got that gene from me. But she's had a whole languorous summer before here and the merest bit of daily effort could have put her in a much better position than she is right now.
I could feel bad about the fact that I wasn't here for 3 weeks to nag her to do her work but 2) I don't nag her about school. It's not my job anymore. There was a time when I took her success in school as seriously as if it were my own. In fact, I guess I kinda thought it was. You know, if she's turning in her assignments on time and writing swell papers and passing tests then it must prove what a great mom I am. But especially since the dyslexia diagnosis, I've learned to back way off on all this. Of course I want her to be successful but I also want her to want it. And frankly, if she doesn't care, then why should I?
No. Really.
My caring about how well she does in school or how well she applies herself or all that stuff won't change a lick. It won't.
Of course, while I can't make her care, I can give her consequences. Starting the last year of middle school already behind does not appear to have any weight with her. Not going out with The Boyfriend on Saturday if they aren't done might. And she's already been told that going out this weekend is not an option if the work isn't finished. Further, if by the end of the weekend she still hasn't managed to finish, well then, she's not going to do any extracurriculars fall trimester, either. Bollocks to that.
I was just talking to Nicole and we were lamenting the stupidity of kids. Really. We were both procrastinators too, but we were the sort of kids that could pull it off in the 11th hour. And even now we regret the ways that such procrastination short-changed our experiences; imagine the things we could have learned had we actually troubled to apply ourselves.
And The Child...the thing about this that is so maddening to me is that she's a smart kid. She says she's no good at math, for example, that she hates it. But the times when she troubled to study for tests in math she got As. Hello? She tells herself that school is hard and certainly it is challenging for someone with dyslexia. But it's not impossible. And the reality is that people with dyslexia often tend to be really intelligent, geniuses sometimes. I wouldn't say The Child is a genius, but she's far from stupid or incompetent. Yeah, she has to work harder than someone who isn't dyslexic but that's not a bad thing. It's not like she has to slave for hours just to get a passing grade. She could soooooo do this. Problem is, I'm not the one who has to believe that.
Anyway, she's working right now. Not happily, but she's working. And I? Well, I have every intention of enjoying this day off. I'm going to fiddle about with bits of things that have been neglected in these last weeks so that at least one of us will have the feeling of starting the new year fresh. Maybe my sterling example will inspire The Child.
Or not.
School starts on Tuesday. Preparations have been made. The Child has all her school supplies, the necessary bits for her uniform and has read all her summer books. I have scheduled the annual Bloody Marys with ChouChou. That's as ready as we're gonna get. It's probably as ready as we need to get.
There is a smidge of trouble on the horizon, a teeny cloud that could either blow right off or gather into a bank of thundering trouble. The Child has 3 reports to write. She could have been done with at least 2 of them by now but she's been more or less left to her own devises for the last 3 weeks and let's just say that she's not made writing a priority. I do not judge her for her procrastination for lo, she got that gene from me. But she's had a whole languorous summer before here and the merest bit of daily effort could have put her in a much better position than she is right now.
I could feel bad about the fact that I wasn't here for 3 weeks to nag her to do her work but 2) I don't nag her about school. It's not my job anymore. There was a time when I took her success in school as seriously as if it were my own. In fact, I guess I kinda thought it was. You know, if she's turning in her assignments on time and writing swell papers and passing tests then it must prove what a great mom I am. But especially since the dyslexia diagnosis, I've learned to back way off on all this. Of course I want her to be successful but I also want her to want it. And frankly, if she doesn't care, then why should I?
No. Really.
My caring about how well she does in school or how well she applies herself or all that stuff won't change a lick. It won't.
Of course, while I can't make her care, I can give her consequences. Starting the last year of middle school already behind does not appear to have any weight with her. Not going out with The Boyfriend on Saturday if they aren't done might. And she's already been told that going out this weekend is not an option if the work isn't finished. Further, if by the end of the weekend she still hasn't managed to finish, well then, she's not going to do any extracurriculars fall trimester, either. Bollocks to that.
I was just talking to Nicole and we were lamenting the stupidity of kids. Really. We were both procrastinators too, but we were the sort of kids that could pull it off in the 11th hour. And even now we regret the ways that such procrastination short-changed our experiences; imagine the things we could have learned had we actually troubled to apply ourselves.
And The Child...the thing about this that is so maddening to me is that she's a smart kid. She says she's no good at math, for example, that she hates it. But the times when she troubled to study for tests in math she got As. Hello? She tells herself that school is hard and certainly it is challenging for someone with dyslexia. But it's not impossible. And the reality is that people with dyslexia often tend to be really intelligent, geniuses sometimes. I wouldn't say The Child is a genius, but she's far from stupid or incompetent. Yeah, she has to work harder than someone who isn't dyslexic but that's not a bad thing. It's not like she has to slave for hours just to get a passing grade. She could soooooo do this. Problem is, I'm not the one who has to believe that.
Anyway, she's working right now. Not happily, but she's working. And I? Well, I have every intention of enjoying this day off. I'm going to fiddle about with bits of things that have been neglected in these last weeks so that at least one of us will have the feeling of starting the new year fresh. Maybe my sterling example will inspire The Child.
Or not.
Labels: Nicole, parenting, The Child, worst mother in the world
cobbled together by Moi at 7:41 AM
16 Comments:
Lorraine, have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs test? I ask because you sound like a "P" (as opposed to a "J"). I'm a "P" too, and P's, as you say, can procrastinate but pull things off at the last minute. In fact, we tend to work better under a bit of a time crunch, and can come up with some really genius stuff when under the gun. J's hate that kind of stuff.
All this is to say: if you're a "P," don't beat yourself up -- you were going to procrastinate, nothing was going to stop you, and you did okay. On the other hand, one of the adoptive lesbian moms is a "J" with Attention Defecit Disorder, which means she behaves more like a "P" but gets really frustrated as a result.
So this was about you, not The Child, because I'm not a parent, and I try not to give too much parenting advice if I can help it (tho' I totally broke that rule the other night, but that's okay; it was pretty well-received and I was appropriately humble in the giving of it).
Ya know, a little denial of privileges can go a long way. I was very pissy in school until my bad grades meant I couldn't be in the Drama Club. AHHH! Somehow, I immediately became capable of holding a 3.0 or better.
Enjoy your day off lady!
Have a cocktail for me!
Tell Niece that Uncle JP says hi.
Stop bogarting the virtual cocktails, Hat.
glug glug glug
I learned a new word today on the Urban Dictionary
Mouse Arrest - Denial of computer privledges
ok, this has so little to do w/ your post i feel a bit guilty but...are you excited about the tim gunn show coming up? ok ok, i'll get out of your way...i really miss p.r.
I was just like you, Lorraine - procrastinated, but that deadline helped me come up with great stuff. Instead of thinking of all the stuff I might learned had I not procrastinated, I look at all the things I was able to cram into the time I spent procrastinating. Does that make any sense? Had I taken the time on the project/paper/whatever, and done it in bits and pieces leading to the deadline, a) it probably would have been sort of boring, and b) I wouldn't have had the time to have a job/be yearbook editor/etc. and I would not have learned to multi-task. I remember actually thinking, "yeah, I could have worked on this before the night before it was due, but I was busy having a life". So, I agree with red7eric - you/I would have procrastinated no matter what. That's how we're wired. YS, on the other hand, and probably The Child, are less capable to pull it off, and probably procrastinate out of being the "J" type or even a bit ADD. I wish I could have made YS care as much about his grades as I did, but I couldn't. What has finally motivated him is seeing a friend from high school, who graduated a year ahead of him, get hired, right after he graduated from college, by Amazon.com at $90k a year. He started last month, and got a $15k signing bonus to boot!
Never took it, Red. Never been in a situation where I had to and there was a period in the 80s when it was hot (maybe that's when it came out) and everyone I knew who took it was all "Oh, you're such a P" or "That is such a J thing to do" and it got a little old. Which is not to suggest that your analysis is without significance because, hi, it's the 00's.
No kidding, Hat. She really powered through some stuff today. The whole "no Bumbershoot" if you don't worked like a charm.
Clinkies!
I'll tell her you said "hi", JP. And then I'll tell her you said she better get her work done or it will break your heart.
Clinkies!
Good one, honey.
What??? The Gunn has a show coming out??? I'm excited NOW! I love the Gunn, Monica. You know I do.
Oh, I was doing all sorts of groovy things instead of studying, too, Gina. But I could have gone to one or two fewer parties, worked a little harder and still been ok. Work hard, play hard. A prof told me that. I didn't listen. Obviously.
I am such a procrastinator. And yes, I pull gold out of my ass in the 11th hour. I hate that I have passed that on though, either by nature or nurture. The girls don't procrastinate too much, the son does. He has a project due on the first day which involves reading a book, analyzing quotes and doing illustrations that compliment the work. He's actually having a harder time with the illustrations as I see (CRINGE) the family perfectionism gene kicking in there. Crap.
Good luck. Hey, I'm thinking S.H.I.I.T would be a huge help. For you, not the Child.
Good things not to do anymore! Took me a very, very long time to come to that astute realization. I nagged, I rode her ass without mercy.. Then one day Miss Thing looks at me and says "Why do you get so worked up about timing Mom? I make straight A's and I'm in all honors courses for crying out loud"
*blink*
So, she pulls it out of her ass at the 11th hour, I guess as long as the result is as desired I need to lay off. I do however have a fear it's going to catch up with her one day.
And as a side note- I find that cutting her wireless access works wonders! Took the husband a while to figure out why I encrypted the wireless network when I set the house up ;)
Mom giveth, but Mom can taketh away..
Oh, dear, Cowbell. Now I have to go back into the Hat's archives to remember what that acronym stands for....Italian Iced Teas, of course....honestly, and on my day off, too...not to mention that the last time I was in the Hat's archives a ton of buckets covered with ribbons fell on my head and I was all, "What in the world?" and she was all, "They're hats!"
LOL, Doralong...all hail the ever-powerful Mom!
Lorraine- I so admire you for not being on the child all the time about her grades. It is really hard for me to do that. I guess I dont mind if the kids put things off, just as long as they are doing something fun instead-- i mean i cant stand lazy-- procrastination is ok as long as your having fun! (see im the worst mom in the world, not you!)
Want the papers written?
Copy your post and put it on her bed... she will write! And she will WANT to write!
City Mouse, remember when the kids were babies and people advised us to "pick our battles"? It took me a while but realizing that The Child was probably never going to care as much about grades as I think she should seemed to be one of those battles that just ain't worth fighting anymore. I have to send her to school. The rest is up to her.
Ha, Twisi; if ONLY it were that easy. (I'll be so screwed when she figures out that she could read my blog to see what I'm saying about her. So, so screwed).
Several Hours of Italian Iced Teas. Makes me feel better just reading that. I need to go to the store...
Right, right, Cowbell. And now that you mention it, I'm running low on ginger ale meself....
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