Friday, October 13, 2006

Big Guy Diplomacy

Last night I had another one of those dreams.

The Spouse and I were in North Korea to adopt a baby. (I think this came from having heard something about Madonna buying adopting a child in Malawi). Anyway, we were led into a room where we had to correctly answer 4 obscure questions in order to receive the child. But as I was answering questions about bluenose dolphins, The Spouse smiled at me, backed into another room and I never saw him again. So, as I'm wont to do in these sorts of dreams, I cried and cried and cried while I looked for him, all the while leading around this little Korean child.

It was a creepy dream but upon waking it led to the most astonishing revelation, a solution to the nuclear standoff with North Korea so simple I can't believe no one has thought of it.

Yesterday on NPR (of course) some expert on the situation was saying that the one thing North Korea seems to really, really want is a bi-lateral talk with the US. Which our government refuses to do. Now, I've never understood why our various presidents are unwilling to talk face to face with various other leaders. Seems to me, if you're the most powerful man in the world (after Superman et al, of course) you could, and probably should, sit down with just about anyone. What does it hurt?

But Mr. Bush won't talk to that hideous little man in North Korea and so here he is, classic "mouse that roared", testing bombs (or pretending to test them) and making everyone completely nervous, all because, just like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum, he wants some attention. Ok. Ignoring a tantrum by a 2 year old - good thing. Ignoring a maniac with a bomb - not so much.

But here's the thing: George Bush is 5'11. Kim Jong Il is 5'2", maybe 5'3". Rumor has it, he wears lifts in his shoes. He is a very, very small man. Short men have a need to overcompensate for their lack of stature. It's called a "Napolean complex". And we all know Napolean was a trouble-maker.

Also, Kim Jong Il is funny looking. George Bush, well, sure, some of us make fun of him but he's not an unattractive man. In fact, as a youth he was quite the hottie. He's no Colin Firth, but then, sadly, so few men are.

I say, hey, Mr. Bush, invite Kim Jong Il to Washington D.C. Meet him at the airport, surrounded by the press, so everyone sees how far down you have to bend to shake the little man's hand. Take him to the White House and stand in the Oval Office for a photo op so the world can see you towering over the little, tiny man. Have a state dinner, with lots and lots of photographers near the receiving line so that every news agency from the BBC to Aljezeera gets lots of lovely photos of you, George Bush, the very tall leader of the free world standing next to the smallest dictator ever.

Then serve Mr. Il the best quality kim chee money can buy, give him tea and talk to him. Tell him that you and the rest of the world aren't going to take anymore crap from him. Tell him that he's going to be accompanied back to North Korea by UN troops, who are going to enter and inspect his nuclear facilities and that if they find anything that threatens the world, they will take it out by force and destroy it and they will shoot anyone who stands in their way. Tell him that if he co-operates, the world community will feed his starving people and, oh, by the way, one false move and we'll sit by while China takes over your ass. And then we'll send China flowers.

And once you've put the fear of whatever into him, take him out into the Rose Garden for a press conference and while he stands in your very impressive shadow, politely and deferentially announce the accord that has been struck between your two "great nations".

This could so work.

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15 Comments:

Blogger TWISI opined...

Yes it could work, but you missed one very important point as to why it will never happen....

it makes sense!

October 13, 2006 11:48 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Dang it, Kendall. I knew there was a flaw.

October 13, 2006 11:56 AM  
Blogger jLow opined...

Dadgum, girl! Why ain't you in Washington instead of ole whatsherface? Condi?

You should soooooo send your "diplomatic advisement" to Very Tall Leader Man Bush.

October 13, 2006 12:22 PM  
Blogger jLow opined...

And here's a link to the report that "started it all" for Hubby.

http://www.sanangelostandardtimes.com/sast/news_local/article/0,1897,SAST_4956_5063379,00.html

October 13, 2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Jlow, I'm not sure. Maybe because I'm only half an inch taller than Condi.

And your husband's fame is a hoot. What's it like being married to a celebrity?

October 13, 2006 2:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Thing is, lil Kim has a phobia of flying. So to meet the president he'd have to race his moped to the train station, ride his bulletproof choo choo to Shanghai, sail to Seattle on a Chinese tanker and then be driven in your Mercedes Maybach all the way to Washington only to find out that Alec Baldwin is now in the White House. It's more time-effective to just nuke him.

Nice dream, though. Very reminiscent of one Jed Bartlet.

October 13, 2006 3:29 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Tales, Thanks for filling in the missing bits of the plan. I knew it was too simple. Plus, I'd actually have to buy a frakking Mercedes. Not in the budget this month. Rats.

Charlie, Yes, yes it does.

October 13, 2006 3:43 PM  
Blogger Grish opined...

Alec Baldwin for Prez! :P

October 13, 2006 5:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Perfect!...Your Kung-Fu is good.

October 13, 2006 8:51 PM  
Blogger Bad Alice opined...

Could we have Colin Firth in the White House instead of Alec Baldwin?

October 14, 2006 6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Good catch on the Madonna-buying-a-baby thing. It's a little creepy.

October 14, 2006 8:43 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Bad Alice, You know I'm right there with you on that but I think there's a niggling little citizenship detail. Although, after everything Bush Co. has done to the constitution we might be ok on that after all. I'll look into it.

JP, You honor me. Celebrity is your beat but, yeah, it was a little creepy. Madge has become a little creepy.

October 14, 2006 8:52 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Grish, Please note, if there is no constitutional impediment, Bad Alice and I will be working on Colin Firth's presidential campaign. You in?

Thank you, Sling. Just trying to do my bit.

October 14, 2006 8:55 AM  
Blogger Dan opined...

What a coincidence! Jong Il-kim and I are close friends. We often get together to shoot the breeze, discussing anything from favorite films to strategies for taking over the world.

He told me that he dreamt about you last night! The Spouse was there, The Child was there, The Milkman was there. All the other archetypes of your life were there.

By the way, he loves your blog, but the English-Korean translation software he uses is flaky. ;)

October 15, 2006 9:30 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Dan, Quite the coincidence, indeed. But geez, if you're pals with Lil Kim, why don't you take him for some beers and see if you can get him to chill. That'd be even easier.

And do thank him for his loyal readership. We value our global partners.

October 15, 2006 2:23 PM  

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