Big Guy Diplomacy

Last night I had another one of those dreams.

The Spouse and I were in North Korea to adopt a baby. (I think this came from having heard something about Madonna buying adopting a child in Malawi). Anyway, we were led into a room where we had to correctly answer 4 obscure questions in order to receive the child. But as I was answering questions about bluenose dolphins, The Spouse smiled at me, backed into another room and I never saw him again. So, as I'm wont to do in these sorts of dreams, I cried and cried and cried while I looked for him, all the while leading around this little Korean child.

It was a creepy dream but upon waking it led to the most astonishing revelation, a solution to the nuclear standoff with North Korea so simple I can't believe no one has thought of it.

Yesterday on NPR (of course) some expert on the situation was saying that the one thing North Korea seems to really, really want is a bi-lateral talk with the US. Which our government refuses to do. Now, I've never understood why our various presidents are unwilling to talk face to face with various other leaders. Seems to me, if you're the most powerful man in the world (after Superman et al, of course) you could, and probably should, sit down with just about anyone. What does it hurt?

But Mr. Bush won't talk to that hideous little man in North Korea and so here he is, classic "mouse that roared", testing bombs (or pretending to test them) and making everyone completely nervous, all because, just like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum, he wants some attention. Ok. Ignoring a tantrum by a 2 year old - good thing. Ignoring a maniac with a bomb - not so much.

But here's the thing: George Bush is 5'11. Kim Jong Il is 5'2", maybe 5'3". Rumor has it, he wears lifts in his shoes. He is a very, very small man. Short men have a need to overcompensate for their lack of stature. It's called a "Napolean complex". And we all know Napolean was a trouble-maker.

Also, Kim Jong Il is funny looking. George Bush, well, sure, some of us make fun of him but he's not an unattractive man. In fact, as a youth he was quite the hottie. He's no Colin Firth, but then, sadly, so few men are.

I say, hey, Mr. Bush, invite Kim Jong Il to Washington D.C. Meet him at the airport, surrounded by the press, so everyone sees how far down you have to bend to shake the little man's hand. Take him to the White House and stand in the Oval Office for a photo op so the world can see you towering over the little, tiny man. Have a state dinner, with lots and lots of photographers near the receiving line so that every news agency from the BBC to Aljezeera gets lots of lovely photos of you, George Bush, the very tall leader of the free world standing next to the smallest dictator ever.

Then serve Mr. Il the best quality kim chee money can buy, give him tea and talk to him. Tell him that you and the rest of the world aren't going to take anymore crap from him. Tell him that he's going to be accompanied back to North Korea by UN troops, who are going to enter and inspect his nuclear facilities and that if they find anything that threatens the world, they will take it out by force and destroy it and they will shoot anyone who stands in their way. Tell him that if he co-operates, the world community will feed his starving people and, oh, by the way, one false move and we'll sit by while China takes over your ass. And then we'll send China flowers.

And once you've put the fear of whatever into him, take him out into the Rose Garden for a press conference and while he stands in your very impressive shadow, politely and deferentially announce the accord that has been struck between your two "great nations".

This could so work.