Super Mom. Not so Much.
The Child came out of school all boo-boo faced and teary yesterday. Seems that she was told she couldn't go on today's field trip to the Art Museum because she didn't have her permission slip. In a classic case of "Oops, my bad", I went up to see The Teacher. The form has been sitting in my desk for something like 2 weeks and I just hadn't bothered to do my paperwork (this includes various summer activities for The Child. I hate filling out forms).
The Teacher said that she didn't think it was my problem, that The Child should have been in my face about it. Further, she said the real issue is that The Child still has some makeup work to do before the end of school and she's been a real pill about it. Classic example: she wasn't allowed the "fun" of cleaning the classroom because she had to finish a religion paper. She was very angry about it but finally sat down and did it. She turned it in and it was crap. Teacher tore it up, threw it away and said, "Try again". More drama ensued. The Child finally sat down again and 20 minutes later handed in a typed, spell checked and well done piece of work. So well done in fact that it would have received an "A", had it been turned in on time. Here's the irony. The Teacher plugs it into her grading software and shows The Child that, even though it was an "F" it was still worth 50 points as opposed to the 0 a missing assignment would net her. That F rose her grade an entire point.
This made Teacher even more angry. Here's a kid who is perfectly capable of getting "As" but because she doesn't bother to do her work when it's assigned she's getting crap grades. Teacher feels that she should stay in school today and finish her other missing assignments. If she does so she'll probably end up with her lowest grade being a "C" in any given subject. (Maybe not math...I think that's a wash out for this year). I didn't disagree with any of her logic and was on board with the whole not going thing. Then Teacher said the thing that slayed me: "It's your call. If you want to bail her out again you can but I think she should stay here". Bail her out. Again.
That hurt. A lot. Had it come from someone else I might have gotten angry. But I really like Mrs. S. I respect her as a teacher. I think she's been good for The Child. So I had to wrestle with it. Have I become the sort of mother I despise? Am I the reason my child has no sense of presonal responsibility? Because if it's true, it means I've failed. The essential thing we have to give our kids is the ability to manage their own lives. If I haven't done that yet am I going to be able to turn it around in 6 years? Where have I gone wrong?
Two notes: a) I essentially had this same conversation with the Cocktail Girls last Tuesday, which resulted in my crying, rather a lot, about screwing up. b) I don't want all you nice people leaving all sorts of messages about like "Of course you're a good mother and The Child will grow up to be a valuable, productive member of society and please don't beat yourself up like that". Because I have to face that "again" bit of the Teacher's statement.
In her first school The Child was bullied. Badly. It wasn't physical but emotional. Teasing, being told she was stupid, racial stuff, exclusion. I became her advocate. I had to go, repeatedly, to the administration and meet with teachers to get the problem solved. And when it was clear that it wasn't going to be, I took her out of that school. I found a better place for her, a school so markedly different in all respects that I have regretted, often, that I didn't move her sooner.
Then last year there was more advocacy. Adjusting to this new albiet superior environment was hard for The Child. She'd learned a lot of bad habits, socially and academically, at the first school. She had a lot of unlearning to do. Couple that with the dyslexia diagnosis and the result was regular meetings in which I was advocating for my child. It was all legitimate. I had to do it. I don't think that I was making excuses for her, I was just trying to help the teacher understand what we were dealing with.
But here we are now. She's happy at her school. She has friends. She's not bullied. And she's obviously bright enough to be mistress of her dyslexia and get good grades. But she's not bothering. And it's always someone else's fault. At this point my heart would warm with pride if just once I heard The Child say, "My bad".
So what's to be done? There's a line between advocacy and "bailing her out" but I apparently don't know where that is. Which makes me feel abundantly stupid. It's not like we don't require anything of her. It's not like we don't have rules. I think I enforce them consistently. If she loses a priviledge I don't make provisions and back down. So what am I getting wrong? Where does being a booster and helping your kid when she needs it cross over into doing too much?
I don't have any answers. Maybe you do. But it's clearly something I've got to figure out sooner rather than later.
The Teacher said that she didn't think it was my problem, that The Child should have been in my face about it. Further, she said the real issue is that The Child still has some makeup work to do before the end of school and she's been a real pill about it. Classic example: she wasn't allowed the "fun" of cleaning the classroom because she had to finish a religion paper. She was very angry about it but finally sat down and did it. She turned it in and it was crap. Teacher tore it up, threw it away and said, "Try again". More drama ensued. The Child finally sat down again and 20 minutes later handed in a typed, spell checked and well done piece of work. So well done in fact that it would have received an "A", had it been turned in on time. Here's the irony. The Teacher plugs it into her grading software and shows The Child that, even though it was an "F" it was still worth 50 points as opposed to the 0 a missing assignment would net her. That F rose her grade an entire point.
This made Teacher even more angry. Here's a kid who is perfectly capable of getting "As" but because she doesn't bother to do her work when it's assigned she's getting crap grades. Teacher feels that she should stay in school today and finish her other missing assignments. If she does so she'll probably end up with her lowest grade being a "C" in any given subject. (Maybe not math...I think that's a wash out for this year). I didn't disagree with any of her logic and was on board with the whole not going thing. Then Teacher said the thing that slayed me: "It's your call. If you want to bail her out again you can but I think she should stay here". Bail her out. Again.
That hurt. A lot. Had it come from someone else I might have gotten angry. But I really like Mrs. S. I respect her as a teacher. I think she's been good for The Child. So I had to wrestle with it. Have I become the sort of mother I despise? Am I the reason my child has no sense of presonal responsibility? Because if it's true, it means I've failed. The essential thing we have to give our kids is the ability to manage their own lives. If I haven't done that yet am I going to be able to turn it around in 6 years? Where have I gone wrong?
Two notes: a) I essentially had this same conversation with the Cocktail Girls last Tuesday, which resulted in my crying, rather a lot, about screwing up. b) I don't want all you nice people leaving all sorts of messages about like "Of course you're a good mother and The Child will grow up to be a valuable, productive member of society and please don't beat yourself up like that". Because I have to face that "again" bit of the Teacher's statement.
In her first school The Child was bullied. Badly. It wasn't physical but emotional. Teasing, being told she was stupid, racial stuff, exclusion. I became her advocate. I had to go, repeatedly, to the administration and meet with teachers to get the problem solved. And when it was clear that it wasn't going to be, I took her out of that school. I found a better place for her, a school so markedly different in all respects that I have regretted, often, that I didn't move her sooner.
Then last year there was more advocacy. Adjusting to this new albiet superior environment was hard for The Child. She'd learned a lot of bad habits, socially and academically, at the first school. She had a lot of unlearning to do. Couple that with the dyslexia diagnosis and the result was regular meetings in which I was advocating for my child. It was all legitimate. I had to do it. I don't think that I was making excuses for her, I was just trying to help the teacher understand what we were dealing with.
But here we are now. She's happy at her school. She has friends. She's not bullied. And she's obviously bright enough to be mistress of her dyslexia and get good grades. But she's not bothering. And it's always someone else's fault. At this point my heart would warm with pride if just once I heard The Child say, "My bad".
So what's to be done? There's a line between advocacy and "bailing her out" but I apparently don't know where that is. Which makes me feel abundantly stupid. It's not like we don't require anything of her. It's not like we don't have rules. I think I enforce them consistently. If she loses a priviledge I don't make provisions and back down. So what am I getting wrong? Where does being a booster and helping your kid when she needs it cross over into doing too much?
I don't have any answers. Maybe you do. But it's clearly something I've got to figure out sooner rather than later.
cobbled together by Moi at 9:41 AM
10 Comments:
Oh, dear, this is the sort of conundrum that makes me feel icy inside because I worry about this same thing. How to ease my kids into taking responsibility. I don't have answers, but I did read a book that got me thinking about this in the first place. It's called ScreamFree Parenting. I got it because I have a problem with--ah--screaming at bad behavior, but the author talks about screaming as the result of taking on our child's problems when you don't need to make that the focus, and eventually assuming responsibility for aspects of our child's life that we shouldn't. I'm not explaining it too well.
Of course, putting this into action is a whole other ball of wax. But it is the one book I've read that addressed this problem in a humane and calm way that respects both the child and the parents. The author has a website www.screamfree.com. Check out Ask Hall to get a taste of his philosophy. And somewhere on there you can read the first chapter of the book.
I love you Lorraine.
Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley is also excellent. I mean really really excellent. Additionally, know that Mrs. S. 's vision is limited to what she is exposed to, who Child is at school and who you are in relation to that. She doesn't see you enforcing rules and doing all the other firm mom stuff you do at home all day long. Not saying that to reassure and sweep under the rug, just trying to perspective-ize the whole thing. Also not saying that the bailing again issue doesn't need to be addressed. Clearly does. Sounds like Mrs. S. wants Child to be accountable, which is what you want too. As in bad grades are about her laziness (or whatever) NOT about dyslexia or bad planning (or whatver) - just simply about CHILD CHOOSING not to do her homework. I guess part of the problem is that she actually thinks she has a choice. Which speaks volumes about the way you have raised her, and I mean that in a good way. She hasn't been raised in the because I said so kind of way, which is great,but it can lead to situations like this which are great opportunities for learning and pulling out hair. (Weren't there ever occasions where you knew that spanking would've been easier (shortterm, obviously))? Because now, she's got to get there by herself - you can't make her because she's NOT MAKEABLE. Because that's the kind of person you've raised her to be, her own. So don't make her do her homework, make her accountable. Which is the road you've been trying to take this year anyway. Don't mind the road signs or the blocks, just keep driving. I promise you'll get there.
PS. Save this and email it to me in 7 years, I'm sure I'll need the same advice.
I don't like the way that teacher treated you. I'm flying to Seattle tomorrow to talk to her. She won't be able to use the "again" card on me because I've never gotten in her face before.
I really can't offer any tangible advise on the subject, because I'm still dealing with the same sort of things myself but I have had to start resisting my parental instinct to auto-protect, especially the oldest.
Our marriage has yet to yield critters, so I am remarkably unqualified to offer advice. However, I want to remind you if you feel you haven't done everything right, every time, that's okay.
Every day is a new opportunity to instill new things, like responsibility and such. I didn't learn those until I was almost 20.
In your case, it's only the 4th inning, and you're not losing the game anyway. You're way ahead. Maybe you just aren't throwing a no-hitter as you would like.
The child still has plenty of years left for you to make her perfect.
I have no kids and offer no parenting advice. I will say that I cannot imagine you being anything other than a great mother, and the thing that struck me most from your post were these words:
"She's happy at her school. She has friends. She's not bullied. And she's obviously bright enough to be mistress of her dyslexia and get good grades."
Maybe the rest will fall into place.
Addendum: Iwanski seems to be swimming in wisdom today.
Lorraine, I've been catching up on all your recent blogs, and I just gotta tell you--I LOVE your writing! It is funny and poignant and sometimes sad...and always very HUMAN. I think "blogopia" is blessed to be able to read all about your little moments and big moments, your struggles and triumphs in daily living. Bravo!! :)
P.S. I second my husband's comments regarding the topic at hand. Every day presents a new opportunity to "perfect" your parenting--just remember that no one is perfect!!!!
Miss HP: Thanks a million. And just think how much easier it's going to be when there are little Iwanskis running around...you'll have all this wealth of...well, you'll know what not to do anyway...and I don't need to be perfect...I'd just settle for a measure of competence.
Awh, Lorraine, you said you didn't have any answers. You have most all of them because you give 110% figuring and considering everything pertinent in your daughter's case. We just read an incredible size-up of what you do, feel, think about on your daughter's behalf. I believe you'll make the right decisions because you are smart AND intelligent it's a priority for you as a parent. Don't forget the love factor either....
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