An Open Letter to the GOP: Draft
Dear Republicans,
How are you? I am fine. Is it raining where you are? It is here. But that's what it does in June is Seattle. Have you ever seen "Battlestar Gallactica"? It is wicked good.
So anyway, last week you had that whole Federal Marriage Amendment thing going on. I knowpractically everyone with a brain the liberal media was all on about how your intent was to be devisive and avoid working on substantive issues. But I admit it; you got me thinking. In the past when you've ranted expressed you concerns about homosexuality in America I've been prone to just say "Piffle". And pretty much that's just because I actually know homosexuals and unfortunately, they're all pretty regular folks. None of them ever said a thing to me about an "agenda", tried to make me "go gay" or wear excessive amounts of leather. Actually, none of them wear leather. One does wear a lot of Ralph Lauren, though. And I guarantee his manicure is consistently better than mine. That, I grant you is, if not perverse, certainly infuriating. But I digress.
You are concerned about preserving the institution of marriage. A change to the Constitution making marriage between one man and one woman is your solution. But I've been thinking about it and here's the thing: at present our divorce rate is around 50%. Only men and women can marry. So, for now, it's the heterosexuals who are the real threat to marriage. I'm hetero and married so I've done some brainstorming on your behalf. Maybe this will help next time around.
1) Outlaw divorce. It's in the Bible, which you should like a lot. (A strict interpretation of Scripture is also going to reinstate slavery, do away with polyester and, sorry to say, criminilize cheeseburgers, but in for a penny, in for a pound).
2) Stone adulterers. (Although I'd like to humbly suggest that we not discriminate in this matter. Adultery is an equal opportunity sin so let's not have any of that punishing the woman and letting the man off scot free nonesense. Takes two to tango).
3) Unemployment is stressful and that stress can take a toll on a marriage. I think a federal ban on outsourcing would be a good place to start. You're going to have to insure that people can work, have a place to live and feed their kids if you want to promote and strengthen marriage. Some of your Big Business pals might not like that but you've got the moral highground here. Working too much can be a problem, too. Any company that doesn't ensure married employees are home by 6 every night should be fined.
(I was going to say you could get all the single people to work the long hours but then they'd never meet anyone and get married and we want that, right? Bit of a pickle but this is where that literal interpretation of the Bible/reinstatement of slavery thing might come in handy).
4) Shut down the chapels in Las Vegas. Allowing people to marry when they've been drinking at the craps table all night is NOT a ringing endorsement of the sanctity of the institution.
5) Provide federally funded marriage counseling. You should spare no expense to keep couples together. In that regard, you should probably do more to make sure people are prepared for marriage, so federally mandated (and funded) premarital programs would be a good idea. Seriously, it won't hurt anyone to have to talk about money and sex before they say "I do". Give people adequate communication skills so the bulk of their marital discourse isn't "I know you are but what am I?" Marriage isn't all romance and flowers. It's living under the same roof, sharing a bathroom and watching the man you love drink all your Mike's. It takes a lot of an ability to confront issues and the skills to resolve them amicably to keep two people together. That and his willingness to go to the store.
6) You're going to have to do something about Ann Coulter. My husband thinks she's hot. If that's not a threat to marriage, I don't know what is.
7) Show some real courage and take a stand on "celebrities" who breed without getting married. Personally, I'm way more offended by lionizing the humanitarian contributions of a husband who leaves his wife for a twice divorced woman with whom he then has a baby with "no immediate plans to wed" than I ever will be about Adam and Steve wanting to legally seal their commitment to each other.
I gotta wrap this up. Oprah's going to be on pretty soon. Feel free to incorporate any of these ideas into your next Marriage Amendment. Might give it more teeth. Now get back to work.
Sincerely,
Lorraine
P.S. And when I say 'get back to work' I actually don't mean a federal ban on flag burning. But that's just me.
How are you? I am fine. Is it raining where you are? It is here. But that's what it does in June is Seattle. Have you ever seen "Battlestar Gallactica"? It is wicked good.
So anyway, last week you had that whole Federal Marriage Amendment thing going on. I know
You are concerned about preserving the institution of marriage. A change to the Constitution making marriage between one man and one woman is your solution. But I've been thinking about it and here's the thing: at present our divorce rate is around 50%. Only men and women can marry. So, for now, it's the heterosexuals who are the real threat to marriage. I'm hetero and married so I've done some brainstorming on your behalf. Maybe this will help next time around.
1) Outlaw divorce. It's in the Bible, which you should like a lot. (A strict interpretation of Scripture is also going to reinstate slavery, do away with polyester and, sorry to say, criminilize cheeseburgers, but in for a penny, in for a pound).
2) Stone adulterers. (Although I'd like to humbly suggest that we not discriminate in this matter. Adultery is an equal opportunity sin so let's not have any of that punishing the woman and letting the man off scot free nonesense. Takes two to tango).
3) Unemployment is stressful and that stress can take a toll on a marriage. I think a federal ban on outsourcing would be a good place to start. You're going to have to insure that people can work, have a place to live and feed their kids if you want to promote and strengthen marriage. Some of your Big Business pals might not like that but you've got the moral highground here. Working too much can be a problem, too. Any company that doesn't ensure married employees are home by 6 every night should be fined.
(I was going to say you could get all the single people to work the long hours but then they'd never meet anyone and get married and we want that, right? Bit of a pickle but this is where that literal interpretation of the Bible/reinstatement of slavery thing might come in handy).
4) Shut down the chapels in Las Vegas. Allowing people to marry when they've been drinking at the craps table all night is NOT a ringing endorsement of the sanctity of the institution.
5) Provide federally funded marriage counseling. You should spare no expense to keep couples together. In that regard, you should probably do more to make sure people are prepared for marriage, so federally mandated (and funded) premarital programs would be a good idea. Seriously, it won't hurt anyone to have to talk about money and sex before they say "I do". Give people adequate communication skills so the bulk of their marital discourse isn't "I know you are but what am I?" Marriage isn't all romance and flowers. It's living under the same roof, sharing a bathroom and watching the man you love drink all your Mike's. It takes a lot of an ability to confront issues and the skills to resolve them amicably to keep two people together. That and his willingness to go to the store.
6) You're going to have to do something about Ann Coulter. My husband thinks she's hot. If that's not a threat to marriage, I don't know what is.
7) Show some real courage and take a stand on "celebrities" who breed without getting married. Personally, I'm way more offended by lionizing the humanitarian contributions of a husband who leaves his wife for a twice divorced woman with whom he then has a baby with "no immediate plans to wed" than I ever will be about Adam and Steve wanting to legally seal their commitment to each other.
I gotta wrap this up. Oprah's going to be on pretty soon. Feel free to incorporate any of these ideas into your next Marriage Amendment. Might give it more teeth. Now get back to work.
Sincerely,
Lorraine
P.S. And when I say 'get back to work' I actually don't mean a federal ban on flag burning. But that's just me.
cobbled together by Moi at 12:35 PM
7 Comments:
You just wont let the Mikes thing go will you.
Of course, I have, honey. We have a marriage to preserve.
Dear Lorraine:
Thanks for the letter. Unfortunately, we're illiterate, so we have no idea what you wrote.
All the best,
the GOP
My Conserv/Rep/Christian sis and I just had a good battle of wits on this very topic. She, naturally, says that marriage is for family and to make babies. I, of coarse, retorted with: "soooo...Grandma Fern - well beyond baby making age - and her equally aged boyfriend shouldn't be allowed to marry either is what your saying?" To which she replied, "..."
GOP, Sorry. Once I figure out how to draw stick figures in Blogger we'll try again.
JAJJ: Yeah, that's one of my pet peeves, too. If they are going to go with the whole "it's for breeding" argument then what do you do with the couples who are infertile and the old people getting a second shot at love?
And what does this do to my chances of hooking up with Steve Martin when The Spouse leaves me for Sarah Michelle Gellar?
Weird we had a discussion about this stuff at work today.
You don't like work for 'Sirius Radio' do you? I hear their satellites are listening to our conversations and know EXCACTLY what we're thinking...
Grish, Next time you're at work look around. See anything that doesn't belong there? Something that looks like it could have been left by, say, a "toaster".
Oh, and by the way, we all really liked the tie you wore on Thursday, just not with that shirt.
Charlie, I'm almost tempted to tell you about Mike but now that I've created a mystique I'm loathe to mess with it. (It's hard lemonade).
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