Hi. I'm Very Nervous.

Ever have one of those times when you're going about your business, la la la la la, and then all of a sudden (or, as The Child says, all the sudden) you're feeling completely nervous and freaked out? That just happened to me and frankly, I'm still in the throes of it. It's not a panic attack where I need to breath into a paper bag and take a sedative. It's just a case of mega-butterflies. Me still no likey.

Part of it is the party tonight and all the stuff that still has to be done but that's only part of it. Plus, per The Child's request I found some purple hair gel, nail polish & eye shadow and some hair and body glitter. So even if the party ends up sucking and everyone hates me because it's so bad, she and I are still going to look super fantastically Mardi Gras-ish. OH! And per my request, all of the Executive Board members will be wearing tiaras tonight. Yay!

None of it has to do with Carnevale because I got the menu planned and have all the ingredients and it will be delicious. Seattle Coffee Girl, as is her way, sent a fabulous arrangement of flowers for the dinner table. See?
Pretty.

A tiny smidge of it was to do with money. I deposited a large check earlier this week and the bank put a hold on it. I figured they'd do that. For like a day. But they were going to disperse the funds over the course of two weeks. And I was all, "What?" It was a disbursement check from a large financial institution. One that regularly runs television ads and has, at a rough guess, 100 kajillion dollars in liquid assets. It's not like it was hand-written from Guido of Big Guido's House of Concrete and Financial Services or drawn on Sixth Little Tiny Bank of Red Ink. So I said to them, "Hey. Let's see if we can't get that money released just a little earlier, 'k?" Because I really want to use it now. But I got a call from the bank an hour ago and everything is good so that's not it anymore.

No, the fundamental reason probably owes to the fact that my cover letter and resume are now as good as they are going to get and all I have to do now is email them to the recruiter. And I'm scared.

As long as I don't do it I can just think about how great it would be to get a cool job doing work that is interesting and getting real money for it and not having to worry any more about whether or not I can get my kid's teeth fixed. In fact, I can not worry anymore about getting my teeth fixed. There's a concept. As long as I don't do it, I can just imagine them looking at my resume and saying, "Hello? Perfect fit. Golly, we sure hope no one else snatches a gem like this away from us. Somebody call her quick!"

But once I hit the "send" button, I have to deal with it. I have to deal with all the down-side stuff of looking for a job...saying something stupid in the interview or just plain being rejected outright and then having to start looking again for something that comes remotely close to being as fantastic an opportunity as this appears to be. Once the deed is done I have to deal with the reality that I might not get it. Or that I will. Because as exciting an opportunity as it is, it will mark a huge change in the life of our family. And change, even good, beneficial change, is a challenge. And you know me. I like things to be nice and sweet and easy.

So there you go. I'm on the edge of something, one way or the other. I've got this feeling I used to have when we were kids and we'd climb way up in the hay mow and onto a really high rafter and then jump. We knew it would be ok. We knew we'd land in nice, soft hay. But there would always be this incredible thrill in our chests, hearts pumping fast, right before the leap. After the jump, the rush would convert into a big big wave of euphoric relief. Yeah. It's like that.

Ok. Here I go....