Thursday, January 18, 2007

Things I Wish

I would like to be Benevolent Dictator of the World. I would take on this job for a small stipend and a superfantastic tiara*. That's all. Countries could still even have their own leaders, provided those leaders were able to play nicely with others. If they couldn't, they would get a time out. I am tired of stupid leaders, tribal atrocities and global warming. Someone has to do something. I think I'd do a good job. Plus everyone would have all the applesauce cake and 80s music they wanted.

I wish that whenever The Child asked for the 412th time for some stupid thing that I'd already told her she couldn't have my head would convert into a large blue neon "NO" that would blink on and off until she stopped begging. (I am now convinced that she will become a lawyer and go to work for a big lobbying firm. This does not please me, but she is obviously gifted).

It would be nice to have a force field around the stovetop so that The Cat would bounce off of it whenever she tried to jump up to eat something that is thawing up there. (Getting rid of the cat is not an option, Charlie).

There should be new episodes of "Gilmore girls" and "Battlestar Galactica" every week, in perpetuity, until I grow weary of them. (There is a new episode of "BSG" on Sunday. I. Can't. Wait.)

I would like my neighborhood to stay exactly as it is except that it would look like a French village and there would be a fabulous boulangerie next door. A girl should be able to get pain au chocolat whenever she wants.

I want a pigmy goat. Also chickens.

I think that's everything.

* By the way, Neighbor. You know that superfantastic birthday party you're planning for later this year? Yeah. I really want a tiara. Totally serious.

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Anonymous Anonymous opined...

I was with you all the way until you got to that pygmy goat thing. Now your credibility is just plain shot.

January 18, 2007 10:54 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

But I want to learn how to make chevre and I need goat milk for that. Please, Poodle? (bats eyelashes furiously and looks plaintive)

January 18, 2007 10:56 AM  
Blogger Kendall opined...

I really think you are much more the full on crown type.

A tiara really doesn't express the full scale of your ability to rule!

January 18, 2007 11:33 AM  
Anonymous the neighbor opined...

We have the chicken thing covered, remember? As soon as the remodel is over, the fence is repaired and the weather gets warmer, I'm so ordering the Eglu (for those interested, see it at and we will order our three chickens. Perhaps a contest within Blogopia is warrented to name them?

XO Nayb

PS - the tiara thing: so noted.

January 18, 2007 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

And stop pretending like you don't have a closet full of tiaras. I've seen the video.

January 18, 2007 12:00 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Oh, but Kendall, crowns tend to be so big and chunky...something light and airy is much easier to manage when one is dusting in stilletos.

I hadn't forgotten, Neighb, it just still seems like a far way off. Like spring seems a far way off.

JP, A girl can never have too many tiaras. Duh.

January 18, 2007 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Get rid of the cat anyway. The cat is responsible for global warming, the war in Iraq and sundry other ills of the world. Get rid of it. You know it makes sense! (keep the dog and let it do whatever if wants)

January 18, 2007 2:12 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Charlie, you know good and well that The Cat is only responsible for sundry ills. Iraq is all Bush's fault. Let's get rid of him first and then we can talk about the cat.

January 18, 2007 2:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

My step-parents neighbor has a pigmy goat, named Spooner. It made their cat so neurotic that it ran away. Oh and something about a cow jumping over the moon.

January 18, 2007 2:17 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Now we're using our Thinking Caps!

January 18, 2007 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

That cats' name was Dish?

January 18, 2007 3:44 PM  
Blogger Red7Eric opined...

You've got my vote, honeybunches.

January 18, 2007 3:59 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

JP, Don't you have a weekend play list to be working on?

Thanks, Red. Remind me to grant you an executive pardon; assuming you ever require one.

January 18, 2007 4:03 PM  
Blogger Jon opined...

A pygmy goat??? Down in Texas, those are called "cabritos". Barbecued, they taste mighty good. We don't wait for 'em to make no high-falutin' cheese.

January 18, 2007 10:18 PM  
Blogger Dariush Alavi opined...

You know when the world leaders are naughty and they need time out... would you make them have their time out in the Big Brother house? Because if you would, then you'd get my vote.

[If you have no idea what Big Brother is, consider yourself endowed with another blessing to count.]

And as for the boulangerie... yes, absolutely! Would there be a patisserie right next to it?

January 19, 2007 1:09 AM  
Blogger Sling opined...

You brand of applesauce cake diplomacy is exactly what this world needs!
not to mention,I've seen George Bush in a a'int pretty.

January 19, 2007 6:23 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Jon, Appreciating, as I do, the "you can take the boy out of Texas but"...phenomenon I would like to remind you that you currently reside in Chicago, a sophisticated, yea, even toddlin' town. I will not bbq my pygmy goat, should I ever get her, and not only will I make high falutin' cheese but you will like it!

D: I do happen to know what the Big Brother house is and even had the opportunity to watch Leo Sayer lose his mind over underwear (link from a Brit living here). And I think that would be an excellent place for naughty leaders to have a timeout. And they will have to wash their own drawers.

Oh, and mais oui to the patisserie AND there's a fabulous little bistro that makes the best cassoulet....

Sling: Thank you. When I am made BDOTW, I would very much like you to be on my cabinet. Or perhaps you could just build me a cabinet. For my tiaras. Your choice. Speaking of which, you know who looks good in a tiara? Barak Obama. Just saying.

January 19, 2007 6:39 AM  
Blogger Eric opined...

This has been linked here in the past but for those who would like to see Lorraine in all her tiara goodness please feel free to check out this video Lorrainskya Fabulovna

January 19, 2007 7:24 AM  
Blogger Citymouse opined...

tiara...every woman needs one! as far as the goat and chickens... too much work, you might as well have an exchange student or two :)

January 19, 2007 10:56 AM  
Blogger Allan opined...

Is there such a thing as pygmy chickens? I want some for my cats.

January 19, 2007 11:42 AM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Oh, honey. Stop with the shameless self-promotion.

CM: The chickens, which are very likely to happen this spring, are going to live at The Neighbor's and The Child will be looking after them in exchange for being able to sell the surplus eggs for her France trip. I don't intend to lift a finger, except to collect eggs, which is fun, and throw their poo into my compost bin.

A: Yes, they do. They are called bantams and the roosters in particular are nasty beasts. I would certainly advocate throwing them to the cats. Oh, gotta run...PETA is calling on the other line.

January 19, 2007 11:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Oh happy day! The Russian royalty clip! I would like to assist in your campaign. Only you must allow me to say the word campaign with the 'g' pronounced. I don't care for the silent 'g'. Speak up, I say!

January 19, 2007 2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous opined...

Oh fiddle sticks! I can't seem to get your clip to play. (sadness)

January 19, 2007 2:48 PM  
Blogger Lorraine opined...

Hmmm, don't despair Vangie. I suspect I can hook you up if you truly want to inflict it upon yourself.

January 19, 2007 2:49 PM  

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