I Gotta Get Dressed

So many ideas for songs today...and they were either "embed disabled" or not even out there. (How does THAT happen...I wasn't looking for anything by Prince).

Oh, and this has been a hell of a week parenting-wise, btw...back to the "holy frak have we ever blown it with this kid" feeling which was all mitigated last night by a her telling me, vaguely, of a "situation" at school with some of her "friends" who appear to be doing what high school girls do best. (Let's have a show of hands here, and pardon me, dudes, but I believe this is a uniquely chick thing - How many of you had at least one of those "We want to be your friend but we would like you better if you (insert the behavior/character trait/fashion note they cited here)"? What is it with girls being the self-improvement police for others? And how is it that even the most legitimate of critiques in the mouth of a 14-24 year old girl/woman can't help but be snarky? Is it excess of estrogen? Oy vey).

And there is The Child, trying hard to be brave and me wanting to smash heads together even as I know that it's something that just about every girl has experienced at some point, which doesn't make it right, of course, but does tell me that she'll survive this, too. And after a week of ignoring me, distaining me, rolling her eyes at me (doesn't that start to hurt after a while?) and yelling, last night I told her "We can learn something from every experience. If there are things for you to learn in this, do it. But stay true to yourself". And at least she looked at me.



Allison Krause "When You Say Nothing at All"

It's All Part of Growing Up: Drama Queens

This morning The Child tried to get out of going to school. She began with the time honored, "I have something I want to say and I don't want you to talk until I'm finished". This always means she's going to pitch something to which I'll be saying "No".

She proceeds to make the case for staying home so that she can work on her story (which is due Friday and which she told me last night she didn't have to work on because she was almost done), read ("for like 3 hours, so my class can win the Pizza Party for the class with the most minutes"), work on her math facts, practise typing, discover a cure for cancer and generally improve her mind all day long.

I listened and then asked, "So, why don't you want to go to school?"

She said it had nothing to do with that, she just wanted time to work on all these projects.

"You can do all that when you get home".

"But Muh-oommmm, I'm going to want to play soccer with the Gang when I get home".

"Sounds like your priorities are all mixed up, then", I said, ever so calmly. "School work comes first, then soccer. If you want to get these things done then..."

"But Muh-oommmmm..."

And like that, for about 12 rounds. Have I mentioned that The Child is not one for taking "no" for an answer?

"Listen," I finally said, "You asked to talk. You talked. I listened. And I say 'no'. You're going to school. You have 15 days left and you're this close to making honors. You need to be in school and you're going to school".

Then the truth came out. She wants a break from "the drama".

Oh. The drama. 2 (very typical) things are going on. One is that a friend has started talking trash about her in order to ingratiate herself with the "popular kids". Said "friend", btw, never even particularly had friends until The Child came along. Not to mention, I hauled her petty little butt to school for the first 6 months of the year, plus took her to volleyball games, without so much as a 'thanks a lot' or a couple bucks for gas. Which, when I was doing it, didn't bother me at all. The kid is in a single parent home, it was totally on the way and I didn't do it for any other reason than that it was the right thing to do. But I'll be honest, now I kinda want to smack her.

The other drama owes to a breakup between a 7th grader and an 8th grader, with some other girl being blamed for the break up even though the parties involved have repeatedly said she had nothing to do with it. The Child is getting sucked in because she's friends with the girl who's being blamed. Everyone is getting all Capulet and Montague about the whole stupid thing. Which you and I know is the way of adolescents, but still.

And you know what I really hate? The fact that I show up to school for a meeting today and all these simpering little chicklets, who are being nasty to my kid, smile honey at me and say, "Hi, Mrs. T!" I'd as soon crack their heads together as look at them, snivelling little rat-faced gits.

This morning I told The Child a story about a girl who made my life a misery throughout high school. She was a petty, gossiping thing whose brother I dated off and on. When we were on I was the apple of the entire family's eye. (Perhaps, now that I think on it, they were so nasty because they only had the one eye). But when we were off, oh. my. yord. And the whole family got into the act, the parents included. They would snipe at me, say horrible things behind my back, complain to my parents about what a wretched child I was. But in some ways the oldest daughter was the worst because I saw her on campus every day and she never failed to say cutting things and talk about me. It was so bad that even after I graduated and moved away from home there were still one or two incidents, the last occurring when I was 30 frakking years old. I mean, come the frak on! The words "get a life" spring to mind.

So I told The Child about all this, including my eventual realization that there was never going to be a change in the behavior of the girl or her family. The only thing that freed me from their drama was the decision to not engage. I told her that there will always be people who just aren't happy unless they are trying to make someone else miserable and that life is too short to play their petty little game.

Oh, and btw, I was regaling her with this tale on the way to school. I walked her in (since I had my meeting) and I said, "Child, I'm telling you all this to help you see that this drama you're experiencing is nothing new. Everyone has a story like this. But you get to decide whether or not you're going to play along. Stand firm in the truth you know about yourself, focus on the good friends you have and let the rest of them stew in their own juice".

She smiled and said, "Thanks, Mom". I love when that happens.

Chocolate Covered Almonds and Coffee

That's what I'm having for breakfast. It's delicious.

The Child tried to score a "mental health day" today. She's been allowed one a year since first grade. Now that she's in middle school I've upped it to one a trimester. Indulgent mama. But hey, sometimes people need a break. Unfortunately, she's already had her mental health day for this trimester, plus she was out sick 2 days already this week and hello, Christmas break is less than 2 weeks away. So instead we had a talk about friends.

She was feeling sorry for herself because she doesn't have any friends. Job one was reminding her that she in fact does have a number of good friends. "Ok, but not in my class". I start naming them.

"N is your friend."

"No she's not. She's only nice to me when you're around. When your not she sprouts little devil horns".

"I'm very sorry to hear that".

She was silent a moment. "But I think maybe it's because her mom has cancer".

It probably is. So we talked about how sometimes when people are worried or scared they push other people away so they won't be hurt anymore. "You need to let N know that she doesn't have to push you away, that you are there for her," I said.

"Yeah. I should do that." Another silence. "T isn't nice to me".

"Oh, T. That girl is a waste of space," I said. "Seriously, she thinks she's all that. She's a shallow little princess. Trust me, you don't need her friendship".

"No," said The Child. "And you know, mom, I don't think that many people really like her very much".

Then we spent some time celebrating the good school friends she does have. And I told her that when I was in school I didn't have that many classmates who were friends. Most of my friends were either younger or older than me. "That's actually still the case," I said. "I'm not sure how many friends I have now who are exactly my age".

"Papa."

"Yes. And Godmom. But truly, all my best friends are older or younger".

We talked about other stuff; about believing in yourself, about counting your blessings, about being the best friend you can be to those who accept your gift of friendship and not worrying about the rest of them because, after all, they are the ones missing out.

And I told her the beautiful, heartbreaking story JP wrote the other day. And about how so many of the comments left by others revealed that lots of people also felt that way growing up.

"And, Child, that's the point. Everybody, even attractive, intelligent, creative and wonderful people, sometimes feel lonely and like they don't have any friends. It isn't always easy being a kid. It's not fair but there it is. When you feel like that you have to remember that you aren't the only one and just try to reach out in kindness to someone else who might be feeling that way".

She looked very happy and peaceful when I dropped her at school. I hope she has a great day.