Oh Joy, Oh Joy!

The Neighbor, The Neighbor's Office Mate (heretofore to be known as NOM) and I gathered with giddy delight for the premiere of Project Runway 5. Oh, the joy and palpitations! I hadn't even realized how much I'd been missing Tim Gunn until I faced the prospect of seeing him again. My heart soared.

We open, per usual, with the designers arriving at their apartments. Let's be clear. The introductions go very quickly and really, in the first week it is all about first impressions, gut reactions and knee jerk judgements. Sure, we see clips of most of the designers and hear them describe their looks and influences but it was all a smidge rapid fire for the likes of moi so there will be very little today in the way of major insight or calls about who will be in the final 3. I don't even remember the names of half the designers, nor could I pick most of them out of a lineup.

That said, a few notable comments and impressions:

Jennifer described her look as "Holly Golightly goes to the Salvador Dali exhibit".

Kelli is this season's first entrant in the "Cute as a Button" category and the cuteness factor is upped by her self-description as "Betsy Johnson's baby".

We were informed, by his pompous self, that Jerry is "on the forefront of being a big name in fashion". He is not, however, in the forefront of grasping the meaning of the word "forefront". I believe what he meant to tell us was that he was "on the verge" of being the next big thing. Or perhaps he wished us to view him as "kind of a big deal". I'm thinking, not so much.

Suede, on the other hand, gets the award for being "The Designer We Hate Most Right Away Almost Before He Opens His Mouth". He strikes me as a pretender to the Throne of Fierceness. He is not fierce. He is, merely, icky, with his denim vests all bedazzled with his silly name and his very bad hair. (You must have fierce hair if you are going to be fierce. He did not get the memo that bad mohawks are so over).

LeeAnn called herself a "fashion assassin" and while that is a catchy rhyme I think it is very wrong and I cannot condone it.

Wesley mentioned, simply, that his "clothes are divine" and Stella, who wants to be Patti Smith but isn't, scares NOM very much.

Patti Smith

Not Patti Smith

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Up to the roof we go, where wait the eternally precious Tim Gunn and our darling Heidi. Ms. Klum is, btw, rocking a red mini-dress that leaves no doubts about the enduring ferociousness of her gams. Champagne corks pop and the faintly creepy Keith stands too close to Heidi while telling her that he basically designs with her in mind.

4 a.m. the next day even The Gunn looks sleepy as he rouses the designers for their first field trip. He leads them to Gristedes Mega store, site of the first challenge from Season 1. Huzzah! The infamous grocery store challenge! And who should Tim introduce as guest judge but the fabulous Austin Scarlett, he of the winning corn husk dress. (He stills looks every inch the dandy, a delightful fashion brew of Oscar Wilde and Willy Wonka). He announces the challenge: $75, 30 minutes to shop, create the design of your choice. Austin then imparts this wisdom: "Innovation is key to my success and so it shall be with yours". I just want to pinch his wittle cheeks.

Tim is a smidge less warm and fuzzy, reminding the designers that "this isn't idle shopping" and they'll only have until midnight to create their look.

At Parson's Tim intones his first "make it work" and they're off. Kelli begins to create a marble effect on vacuum cleaner bags with bleach and coffee. "It's pretty ugly in a great way," she says. Daniel is cleverly making a dress with a sweetheart neckline out of plastic cups that he is melting and shaping on the dress form. Jerry, Mr. Forefront of Fashion, declares that the majority of designers are "putting crap on crap", a particularly interesting judgement in light of the frightening coat he's making out of a shower curtain, set off with rubber gloves. Blayne, who I also don't like, invents the word "girlicious", which is as ridiculous as the outfit he's creating out of a tablecloth and doggie poo bags. Terri is doing something fabulous with mop heads. Stella is stressing over garbage bags and entirely too many of the designers are working (safely) with tablecloths.

The tablecloth phenomenon does not please The Gunn. He questions one designer's use of a blue belt on his design:

"But without it then it's just a tablecloth".

"Yeah," says The Gunn. His point exactly.

In fact, he's so disgusted by the overuse of table linens that he repeatedly tells the designers they need a "wow factor" and that he's quite afraid the judges will deem them all "a bunch of slackers". They have to take the items they are using and push them beyond what they are. "Innovate!" he declares.

Korto is the only designer bold (or crazy) enough to use actual produce in her design. ("Hop on that kale!" NOM urged her). Her dress was simple and classic which is laudable enough but truly, you must give snaps to someone who creates a collar out of kale bedecked with tomatoes, cut open so they look like jewels.

Stella, comes out of her stupor long enough to realize that perhaps a dress made of garbage bags is going to end up looking like a lame-ass dress made out of garbage bags. She whines, "If I'm the first one eliminated I'm the biggest jackass of the nation". (We all know there are at least a dozen bigger jackasses in the nation, but today's post isn't about politics).

Finally our models troop in and Tim gives the obligatory plug for TRESemmé, Loreal and the Bluefly wall o' accessories.

Our first runway show begins, just after I remind myself that my loathing for Michael Kors is in direct proportion to my love of The Gunn. My general reactions:

Emily: Eeewww.
Jerrell: Only slightly less eeewww.
LeeAnne: Congratulations, girl. Not only did you assassinate fashion, you decorated the corpse with cake and candy.
Kelli: Delightful.
Jennifer: Very Carrie Bradshaw
Daniel: Way to work the plastic cups, dude.
Terri: You have given me a new respect for my mop.
Stella: Yup. Garbage bags really are not couture.
Joe: I had no idea pasta and oven mitts could look that good.
Kenley: Honey, when you make a dress out of a lawn chair and a dodge ball it pretty much is going to look like the backyard after the playdate.
Jerry: Toxic spill on aisle 11.
Blayne: The very sum and definition of horrible.

The judges were equally succinct. MK thought Jerry's outfit looked like a freaky bridal nurse, HK said it looked like a hospital plumber and Nina cited it's complete and total "lack of innovation".

Korto, on the other hand got raves for her chic ensemble which looked, in Nina's opinion "impeccably done". See? Dark leafy greens are good for you.

Kelli won unanimous acclaim for her attention to detail, techniques and the fact that she pushed the envelope with her materials while Blayne was universally dissed for his cheap, tawdry and provocative-and-not-in-a-good-way mess of an eeewwww.

Heidi dismissed Stella's dress as "butt ugly". Well, that's what she said privately to the other judges. On the runway she just said that it looked like Stella was thinking "I'll just do something because I have to do something". Either way, ouch.

Drumroll......Kelli won because she explored all the possibilities of her materials. Blayne and Stella squeaked by, only because the judges were so completely in hate with the shower curtain monstrosity sent down by Jerry. So much for your forefront there, pal. Auf you go.

No fashion photos this season, kids, since Bravo has figured out people like me were blatantly copying them and have set it up so you can't do that anymore. So if you want to see the fashions simply go to Bravo and take a gander while I spend some time brushing up on copyright law.