Rant

I have watched a fair number of soap operas in my time, beginning with the discovery of “All My Children” back when Erica Kane was in high school. So I know a thing or two about how story lines work. There are some basic rules relative to children/parenting in soap operas.

Pregnancy makes a great story line. There are myriad possibilities: complications, paternity questions, twins being separated at birth, premature delivery in some god-forsaken cabin while your Prada-wearing arch enemy delivers the baby, etc.

Babies are boring. The only possibilities for storytelling here are a christening where an evil diva announces in front of God and everybody that you’re not the real father or there’s a mob shooting or hostage taking or some such. But fundamentally, you aren’t left with much so after a custody battle and near overdose by a distraught parent (which may or may not result in a reconciliation) or a plane crash that kills mom just after said reconciliation, the baby pretty much disappears. (Unless the single parent hires a bipolar nanny who pulls a "Hand that Rocks the Cradle" sort of thing. That's always fun).

Accelerated Maturity. This is the process by which, after 6-9 months off the radar, the baby is reintroduced as a precocious 4 year old. Over the next few years the child will magically grow at the rate of about 1 year every two months until he/she is in high school getting “goofed up” on mary jane and wondering if he/she should go all the way after the prom. (Unless the actor can sing, in which case he/she will likely be offered a record contract after singing once at the local bar/shake shack/disco). Either way, the child again leaves the scene, with only casual mention by the oh-so-loving-and-involved parent, unless he/she is called upon to donate a kidney to the half-sibling he/she never knew he/she had.

Soap opera childhood skips over all the boring kid stuff like play dates, homework, flu (which is not the same thing as genetic malfunctions that can only be cured by mom ‘fessing up after all these years that Uncle Frank, not dad, is the real father), zits and paper routes and focuses on exciting stuff, like rebellion, eating disorders and sex.

Brad Pitt used to be on "Another World". Maybe it was the influence of soap opera parenting that informs his decision to adopt Angelina Jolie’s kids without bothering to marry her. I assume he sees being a daddy as a lot of fun, jet-setting, motor-biking-around-the-English-countryside stuff. (Plus, after dumping America’s sweetheart for Vampira…I mean, Angelina, he probably could use the hero points that go with adopting a 3rd world baby). To be fair, maybe he really loves the kids and maybe he’s a good dad. (Certainly less scary than, say, Billy Bob Thorton.) And with 3 failed marriages between them, caution is probably in order.

Married or single, parenting requires extraordinary commitment. Children aren’t props. They grow out of the “snuggly, adorable” stage pretty quickly. But as a parent you are committed to loving and putting up with them even when they are anything but endearing. It ain’t all cookie parties and pony rides is all I’m saying and I just worry that Brad doesn’t get that because it will be Zahara and Maddox that suffer.

I know the divorce rate continues to hover around 50%. Marriage is hard work; trust me, I know. People should, by all means, take their time with such a weighty commitment. And yes, the children would be impacted by a divorce as much as if Daddy Pitt gets bored and moves on. They stand to lose either way. But while there are people out there who would love to make legal, lifetime civil commitments and aren't allowed because it will somehow be a blow to the sanctity of marriage, I have a hard time with Brad and Angelina touted as models of stability and family values.

I also don't think TomKat are heroes. But that's mostly because he annoys the crap out of me.