Project Runway: Seriously?

We begin, as always, with the winning and losing models from last week. Suede loves Tia so some other skinny girl is auf. (I know, it's terrible but I really don't care about the models). Then Heidi tells the designers they are going to have a night on the town with Tim. Oh joy! Heads fill with visions of limos, fine dining and dancing until the wee hours with The Gunn. They gussy up and Tim arrives, looking so dashing in a black trench coat. "It's raining and going to be an interesting night", he says.

Donned in matching orange ponchos (eeewww) the designers troop out behind The Gunn only to have their party hearty dreams washed down the rain filled gutters of New York. No filet and dance mixes for them! No, no...they will instead be sitting on the open top of a double decker tour bus. This week's challenge: create a look of their choice for a night on the town, inspired by the city at night. Armed with cameras, they are dropped off by little groups at various locations (Columbus Circle, Times Square, like that) and given one hour to seek their inspiration.

Scary Stella does this weird eye makeup thing wherein she appears to draw lashes onto the lower part of her eyes. It is not a good look at the best of times; in the rain it caused NOM to cackle, "I'm melting!" Stella also cannot work her camera. Probably because it wasn't made of leathuh. Blayne wondered if there were tanning salons in Times Square. Keith, who all of a sudden strikes me as a gigantic arse, is ticking off the other designers because he's pushing past them and getting in the way of their shots and like that. He tells the camera, in classic "reality" show form, that he's not here to make friends. There's one in every bunch.

Next morning Jerrel scares us with his facial mask before our day at Parson's begins. The designers will have 1/2 hour to pick the photo that will be their inspiration and then Tim excitedly announces that the designers will finally get to pick their own fabric. Off to Mood with $100 each to spend. Stella is as confounded by the fabric store as she was by her camera.

Oh, and btw, we three couch critics all, generally speaking and without reference to anything in particular, loving Kenley, Miss "Modern Day Calendar Girl". We smile whenever she's on screen.

Back in the workroom, LeAnne worries about "being too creative again". Blayne is weird, staring at Kenley with a psycho look on his face until she finally stares back and then he growls, "I'm going to eat you". We are back to not loving Blayne. Snarky Keith deigns to inform us that he has a background in abstract art, because that makes him special. He thinks he's doing something avant garde and brilliant. Stella opines, "Little bitsa fabric ona sheath? Who wears that?"

Stella. She's scary, she's easily kerfuffled and if I hear one more time that she's "rock and roll" I'm going to scream but girlfriend does know crap when she sees it. "What a gay little grommet," she mutters, as she struggles to hammer same into her design. She was inspired by the blinder on a carriage horse. You know why? 'Cause she's into leathuh. Her hammering, however, irritates the crap out of the other designers.

Tim does his little check in about 3 hours before the end of the day. He is soooo nice. Jennifer is in the weeds and he's encouraging. Keith's look seems to befuddle The Gunn but assured the dress will be fitted, he gives a nod of approval. He loves the silhouette of Kenley's design but worries that it could be too costumey..."but that doesn't mean it can't be done". LeAnne tells him she's happy with the skirt she's made and he says, "You should be". (And she should. Gorgeous). Emily's design seems to give him the most pause: "It's a black dress with a big neon corsage". But does he, like we were, say "Eeeeww, ick, that's terrible"? No. He just tells her to take it further.

Oh, and then there was a painful moment when Blayne greets Tim with "holla at yer boy". The Gunn looked so, so confused. Blayne looked so, so stupid. He tries to teach Tim to say "holla". Tim makes it sound like goyim saying "challah". Tim is not street. He should not be street. Blayne should be in a home.

There's a lot of last minute panic and rushing, plus Snarky Keith learns that his model has had to drop out so the girl auf'ed earlier is back in the game but everyone manages to make it to the runway in time.

Keith: hideous; imagine your bathroom wastebasket hot glued on a sheath and you can picture this shapeless mess.

Blayne: ridiculous; looks like my child got into the ragbag while playing dress up.

Joe: very cute. Me likey Joe.

Emily: this is what happens when you don't listen to The Gunn.

LeAnne: gor.geous. Love it. Carefully crafted skirt with a simple top. Just a stunner.

Jennifer: hideous. A satin tiered maternity dress that no self-respecting pregnant woman would be caught dead in.

Jerrel: I hate to say it because I don't like him but it was very, very pretty.

Kelli: something Cher would wear to church.

Daniel: this dress looked pretty coming down the runway. Sometimes motion is everything. Standing still you could see it was a big ol' mess of gold lamé melting off a black bodice.

Kenley: we love you, honey, but this is weird. Lounge chair fabric (a WalMart lounge chair, not one from Restoration Hardware) with a weird tulle goiter thing on the side.

Suede: very cute.

Stella: this is not rock and roll. This isn't even good pop. Dumb grommety pants with a silver vest. Boring.

Korto: I guess it's ok but it's just a jumpsuit. Not a fan of the jumpsuit.

Terri: NOM thinks this backless dress over black pants looks like a fishtank. I'm inclined to agree.

Guest judge this week is the ever fabulously bitter Sandra Bernhard.

Kenley's weirdness was deemed to reference an "80s power bitch" dress on the order of Joan Collins in "Dynasty". Except somehow the judges believed this to be a good thing. Nina even called it "adorable". Seriously?



But wait, they haven't lost their minds. Kors thinks Keith's dress looks like toilet paper blowing in the wind, Heidi despises it's lack of shape and Nina says the effect is sloppy.



Oops, they are nuts after all. Terri's outfit is described as "fierce, sexy" by Sandra. Heidi says it's "cool and outside the box". Kors loves everything about it and says he'd want to know the woman who wore it. Kors doesn't get out much.



Phew, sanity returns. Heidi summed up the judges opinon of Emily's design as "a Carmen Miranda moment". It wasn't so much that they hated the idea of a ruffle (which was supposed to represent a streak of light, btw) but that, as Kors said, "the ruffle was not placed fabulously".



Further proof of sanity, their universal love for LeAnne's triumphant little number. Kors loves that it's seperates. Heidi bestows the one best thing any PR designer could hear: "I'd wear that in a heartbeat".

Then comes Jennifer. Jennifer, the designer I always forget. Jennifer, who has the personality of a stick. Jennifer, who in the first episode described her look as "Holly Golightly goes to the Salvador Dali exhibit". I thought that was cute the first time. She said it about 412 times last night. But there is nothing about this that says surrealism:

That was pretty much the assessment of the judges as well. The hem was awful, Heidi called it "matronly" and Nina said it was "ok but boring". They didn't, however, hate it as much as I thought they should have.

Going into commercial we couch critics decide that while LeAnne should win they are going to give it to Terri. We're not fine with this as we don't believe you would ever see any of the Sex and the City characters in Terri's fishtank but either Carrie or Charlotte would for sure wear LeAnne's confection. (Ah, yes, "Sex and the City"; our reference for New York style). Meanwhile we believe Jennifer will go home because all the judges think she is boring. We're fine with that.

The results are announced. Terri is in. We cheer! If Terri just gets a "you're in" then that means LeAnne has won! Whoo hooo-huh? Kenley? Seriously? LeAnne looks sad. So are we. I mean, we love love love Kenley but no way is her dress better than LeAnne's. Then Heidi gives LeAnne a patronizing "good job". What?

Then we come to the aufing. Here's what Heidi should have said:

"Emily, your dress was well-designed and fitted. You didn't listen to Tim and left on that ridiculous and ugly ruffle and that was a big mistake because one should always listen to The Gunn but you appear to have one or two chops so learn from your mistakes and don't disappoint us again".

"Jennifer, you are boring and forgetable. No one in the audience recognizes you from week to week and all the judges yawn when we hear your name. Your dress was a fright...a shiny, boring maternity sack that neither Holly Golightly nor Salvador Dali would have appreciated. Go home and brush up on your pop cultural references and try to get a personality. Aufedersein.

What she said was, "Emily, you're out".

Sometimes I wonder what the judges do before a runway show. Is top American designer Michael Kors making another of his jaw-dropping, trend setting breakthroughs in high end women's fashion? Is Nina editing fashion magazines while having her hair calibrated? Is Heidi discovering yet another supershort dress that manages to cover the essentials while still giving maximum exposure to her magnificent gams?

I don't know.

But I'm pretty sure that this week they were in the green room. Smoking crack.